I'm only human

As I've posted, my Grandma Martha is in the hospital. She is an amazingly tough woman. I guess you don't make to 98 being soft and weak. I have no doubt that in her day she could whip the best of anyone if she felt they deserved it. She has a very strong opinion of what is right and what is wrong and if you were doing something wrong, she was not afraid to call you on it. She did it lovingly, but firmly. No matter what situation has been handed her, she has handled it with an amazing strength that you would think would be impossible given her small 4'10ish frame.

I've always thought I wanted to live as she has lived, with grace, compassion and total forgiveness in her heart, and naively, I thought I had been doing a fairly good job at it. However, I recently found out that fully living that way is not as easy as I thought it might be.

Without going into detail, let me just say that a few years ago, a particular somewhat extended family member hurt her emotionally very very badly. It was the utmost in being rude, hurtful, disloyal and just plain evil. It was all due to greed on his part and sin in his heart.

Even though Grandma was hurt to the very core of her being, she managed to forgive and has longed for a relationship again. This is where I struggle. I am fiercely loyal and protective when it comes to those I care about most. If someone hurts one I love (no matter if it's physically or emotionally), I struggle with the forgiveness. Well, no that's not really true...I forgive, but I can't forget. I can't get past it and put it behind as well as she does. Once that hurt has happened, I lose all trust and respect for that person and it's nearly impossible for me to trust them again. In some cases, I don't ever trust them again. This is how I feel about this person who hurt my grandmother.

In my mind, whether they have intentionally wanted it to be this way or not, this person is evil. He's not stupid, so he knows what he did was wrong...at least done in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. And yet, in all this time, he has never asked for forgiveness. Never even apologized. He acts as if nothing ever happened. That I can't tolerate. To me it's the utmost in egotism and self-absorption and when someone is that caught up in themselves to the point they willingly hurt others, I do not and will not trust them.

This family member showed up at the hospital yesterday while I was there. Instantly my guard was up. I was saying silent prayers to ask God to help get us through this. A part of me wanted to shout at him and push him back out of that room and tell him he was not welcome....and not wanted. He didn't deserve the chance to be there, to see her. But, that was my feelings, and this was not about me. I had to put my feelings aside and allow Grandma what she needed, which was to see him again. But, I kept my eyes glued to him, because if he dared to say or do anything to hurt her, well, God help us both!

Grandma of course did a double take and was so shocked to see him. She clutched him so tightly and cried harder than I have ever seen this pillar of strength cry. Her entired body convulsed with sobs. I had to leave the room, because I really really did NOT want him there. I called Jay and said "Hon, do you have time to bail me out of jail?" He said "Uh, no...why?" I said "Ok then, I need you to talk me down and to help me stay calm." He is amazing at that and reminded me again, that this actually is wonderful for Grandma, in that she has wanted to see him for quite some time. She has forgiven and has put it behind. She really is an amazing woman of God.

I found it harder and harder to stay in the room with him. Every sound out of his mouth was like fingernails being scraped down a chalkboard. I didn't look at him. I didn't speak to him. I didn't even acknowledge that he was in the room. I couldn't. If I did, I was afraid the dam would break and everything I had stored up inside of me would spill out and this was not the time or the place. I fought it harder and harder and had to take a break, so I left and went for a walk. This time I had a long chat with God and asked him to help me keep from jumping on top of this man and beating the daylights out of him (told you I hadn't put it behind me. LOL).

He helped me to see how sad I should be for this man, not angry. I was wasting my time and energy wanting to strangle him (even if he did sort of deserve it). This man never did even get it as to why Grandma was crying so hard. Any village idiot could see that she was so overcome with pure joy to see him there and sorrow over the years that had been lost. But he in his self-absorption would never admit he had done something wrong by never coming to see her, so he told her she needed to calm down and not be afraid of anything. *rolling my eyes*. I honestly heard a voice say "See, how sad is that?" I believe it was God reminding me that judgement day will come. And he will be judged for his actions and the punishment will be far greater than anything I could ever say or do, if he doesn't repent. I walked back to Grandma's room and reminded myself of why I was there in the first place...to be with this wonderful woman. I was able to be much more calm...well for a while anyhow (LOL). When I started to feel my emotions rise to the surface again, I knew I could no longer stay there and listen to the garbage and immature comments coming from his mouth. I told Grandma I needed to go and promised I would come back. I gave a hug to both Mom and Dad as well, but never even acknowledged him as I left. The bible says to not associate ourselves with evil, and my mom always said that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...so, that meant I left without associating or saying anything to him.

Today I got to spend some time alone with Grandma. I had a great talk with her. Did she hear me? Did she understand? I have no idea, but I'd like to think she did. I told her I was sorry for not staying longer yesterday, and I was sorry that I wasn't stronger and braver like she is. I told her how much I loved her and admired her and why. I told her that I wanted to strive to live as she has and to have the strength, wisdom, courage and grace she has always shown. I also told her to be patient with me. I'm only human and have a loooooooong ways to go. But lessons like I have had over the past 24 hrs will help. Even if I don't like them. Sometimes those hard lessons are the ones most needed.