Tucker Wants To Call 911

Yesterday I tried a new work-out tape. Actually, it's one I had gotten over a year ago and had never tried it before.

I planned to do a different tape, but it has sections so that you can design your own workout. That would have been fine except the DVD player in the living room has been missing its remote for about a year now so all you can do is put the tape in and push play. That doesn't work for that dvd. Our other player that does have a remote is out in the sunroom, but Jay was meeting with a farm insurance man out there and I was pretty sure they didn't need the distraction of me huffing, puffing, grunting and groaning while they were discussing business. Plus, I'm sure the sight of me in my oh so sex-ay baggy t-shirt and sweatpants would have been equally as distracting.

Sooooo....that's how I ended up opening this old/new tape.

I used to love to do step aerobics, which is why I originally ordered the tape, along with another one. However, that was before I turned 40, had sagging body parts, and the need for a very supportive bra, and I have learned that time and age plays dirty tricks with your body and my knees can no longer handle doing the stepping up onto the, well, step. I pay for it dearly the next day by not being able to walk. I adapted the routines so that I do all the same moves, but I just do them on the floor with no step. It's still a good workout.

This one said it was for intermediate steppers. I've done step routines before. I can do this.

No I can't.

From the get-go, Tucker laid on his bed cocking his head from side to side as he watched me fumble my way through these supposed "intermediate", yet intricate steps. I was breathing heaving reminding myself what a good workout I was getting when the instructor said the most horrible words:

"Ok, we're almost done with our warm-up"

warm-up?????

I'm dyin' here lady!

This is when I became convinced I received the wrong tape. Because there was no way these could be thought of as "intermediate" moves. I was in my living room, but I was so lost that I wasn't even sure where I really was. Does that make sense? No? Neither did what she was saying!

"Ok Corner Up"

"Alrighty Lets Go 'Round The World"

"Kick & Reach" (I understood that one, just couldn't get coordinated to do it)

"Mambo step with a lyndy"

and it went on and on and on for-eeeeeeeeever.

It got so ridiculous that I must have looked like I was having an out of body experience, because Tucker came running over jumping up on me.

Great....he thinks I'm trying to play. How do I explain it to him? "No Tucker. Mommy can't play. Mommy is trying to kill herself slowly. Now be a good doggie and go chew on your bone".

He wasn't convinced. He sat watching me with his head cocked again and then started barking. I'm pretty sure he was saying "Somebody better call 911 before she dies! Who will buy us our raw bones if she's gone?"

I lasted 30 of the 60 minutes with that brutal tribal dance that was posed as step aerobics.

Then it was time for the stretching.

I was face down on the floor and Tucker was delighted. He licked my face and jumped on my back.

"No Tucker. Down."

Then we rolled onto our backs. 'Grab your knees as you curl into a ball'.

"No Tucker. Stop sniffin' mama's hiney."

'Straighten Your legs out one at a time'.

"No Tucker. I don't want you biting my toes."

It was so much fun (insert eye rolling here).

I have decided to make sure that Tucker is crated from now on anytime I do any exercising. Unless I come to my senses and give up all this healthy nonsense by then.