I Had My First Bath

I have been increasingly frustrated by the lack of empathy I have been finding when dealing with doctors, so this past Tuesday I went to a Nurse Practitioner who has a clinic that deals with all natural/herbal remedies.

I don't know a lot about herbal practices, but decided to keep an open mind when I read that this woman believes some of the same things I do, which is that our bodies are amazing machines capable of healing themselves most of the time. Traditional medicine is fine when the body isn't able to heal itself (or in the case of childbirth ~ God bless the epidural!) and I have no problem using it. However, I want that to be the last resort - not the first thing we do (except during childbirth, which then it should be the very first thing done, preferably while still in the first trimester).

When I walked into the clinic, I could tell instantly that this wasn't your traditional clinic office. They had odd looking plants everywhere, as well as several Aloe Vera plants. They had big mineral rocks sitting around and one that was lighted and had a sign that said "Feel free to rub me" (insert raised eyebrow here). They had miniature water falls that left me feeling the need to use the restroom every 15 minutes, and rocks with dry ice coming from around them. Oh, and they also had Native American flute music playing throughout the clinic. I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed not find a peace pipe laying on the counter.


The lady I saw was great and I really liked her, and I will write more about her later, but for today I wanted to tell you about her assistant. I'm not sure of this lady's name, but in my mind I called her "Simka", which some of you may recall was the hippie-type lady married to Latka on TVs Taxi. She had no accent, but she looked so much like her with the wildly curly blonde mane, that I was convinced her name was either Simka or Moonflower. She had a very soft, soothing voice that gave the impression that her favorite topics are peace, love, and harmony throughout the universe.


She had me fill out a couple of papers and after she read them she said in her soft, quiet voice "Based on your answers you have qualified for a complimentary bathing".


"Ummmm....what?"


The vision of a communal bathtub full of Mr. Bubbles was overwhelming my brain. Now, I realize I'm from the farm and all, and we can be pretty sheltered and perhaps a bit uptight sometimes, but I'm not letting some stranger bathe me.


She assured me it was complimentary and there would be no extra charge, as if THAT's what was bothering me???


As the panic started to rise in my voice I said "You want to bathe me?"


"Your feet."

I burst out laughing with relief and said "Ohhh, just my feet!" and then noticed I was the only one laughing, so I'm pretty sure she thinks I am a total dork!

Let me pause here and remind you that I have an issue about feet, and I don't like people touching mine. I asked her if she'd be scrubbing my feet and she said that no, she'd only be pouring water on them. I'm sure that my reply of "Okie dokie then, let's do this" left her with no doubt of my high society status.

Simka asked me to follow her to this room where I removed my shoes and socks and rolled up my jeans (thank goodness I shaved my legs this morning). She put the foot bath/detoxing machine on the floor and when she came back into the room again she held a metal ewer of water in her hands as she said "Please be assured that this water is barely above tepid. However, I ask that you reassure yourself by dipping your fingers into the water so you may feel that it isn't too warm."


I really wanted to giggle as I listened to her talk. I mean, do people really talk like this?


When I said that yes the water was fine, she knelt before me and I am not lying when I tell you that she looked up at me and said:


"If it pleases you, I wish to bathe your feet now."


aaawww-kward!

What do you say to that? I mean, if you say "Yea go for it" that sounds a little crass, but saying "Yes it pleases me" sounds a little well ... kinky. So I just nodded, while fighting to keep from erupting in nervous giggles.


She poured the water in, added some saline to activate it and then turned the machine on. Almost instantly the water started to turn orange. She explained the different color levels and what they meant in regards to the amount of toxins in a persons body. I said "So in other words, you can tell how good or bad someone lives, by the colors that come from their feet?" Simka replied with "Yes, that is correct".


Oh this is not going to be good.


My water ended up much darker than what you see in the demo picture. It was black. Not only was it black, but it was black, black, black....with dark brown pond scum on the top.

Nice.

When Simka said I was done, she looked at my black water and said "Oh my". I don't speak hippie, but I'm guessing she wasn't impressed.

Ok, where's the peace pipe?