I Remember

Yesterday morning, I had a feeling, a feeling I can't explain that just let me know that it was not going to be a good day. I was sad. Very, very sad. Sure, I had been sad for the past week or so, but yesterday before Church it was even worse than it had been. I cried soft tears several times while getting ready for church. Jay called and said he had a water line break and wouldn't be home in time for Church. My first thought was "I should just stay home this morning. I don't know that I really feel like going anywhere anyway." But I felt a pull telling me that I needed to go to Church. I didn't know why, but I had to go. It was just Austin & I going. Jay was busy working, and Ashley & Chelsea were visiting a different church with the youth group. So with great uncertainty and a little fear, Austin & I headed off to church.

We sang a couple of songs and repeated verses from Psalms and other books, like normal. We also listened to readings from the bible and Pastor gave the Gospel. Honestly, I don't remember much. I was still trying to shake the feeling that I didn't want to be there.

Then Pastor started his sermon. Again, I honestly wasn't totally focused, so I can't tell you how it started, but I remember him calling Grandma Shirley to the front to be his volunteer. She is Jay's Grandma, and such a sweet Christian woman.

I took this picture with my camera on my phone, so the quality isn't great. We were sitting in the balcony (our usual "assigned" seat LOL). If you look closely you can see Pastor in his white robe standing there talking, and there sits Grandma Shirley in the wheelchair he had her sit in. I took the picture to show to Jay later since he didn't get to see her helping.

As Pastor continued his sermon he talked about a movie he saw not too long ago. I don't remember the name of the movie, but it was about a woman with Alzheimers who is living in a nursing home. Her son and his family come to see her. The son tried to communicate with her, but at this point she is totally unresponsive. Her eyes are open, but glazed over and she doesn't look at them, but more like looking past them. The daughter-in-law is uncomfortable and just wants to leave. She keeps reminding the family they have company coming for lunch and they need to get going. The son tries yet again to get his mother to communicate, but she just sits there in her wheelchair. At his wife's urging, he gathers up the kids to leave. They head down the hallway and one of the grandsons says "Oh dad, wait, I forgot something in Grandma's room. You go on ahead and I'll meet you there." He goes back into his Grandma's room and sits beside her bed. He takes her hand in his and he strokes her arm. She doesn't respond. "Oh Grandma. I love you and I know you don't remember, but oh dear sweet Grandma, I remember."

The movie then switches back to a memory he has of a time with his Grandmother when she let them stay up late when staying with her. I have a memory that is the same. It felt like such a treat when Grandma and Grandpa would let us stay up late when we stayed with them. The movie also showed Grandma sitting beside his bed when he was sick. I got sick at Grandma's and she had me stay over night so I wouldn't pass it on to my siblings. I woke up the next morning with chicken pox and she took such good care of me. And when I had my wisdom teeth removed she made me a large batch of tapioca pudding, which she knew was my favorite. And when I was bedrest during my pregnancy with my twins, she made a batch of fudgins for me. The recipe calls for raisins in them, but she knew I didn't like them with raisins, so she always made mine without raisins. It made me feel special knowing she did that just for me, since everyone else liked the raisins. Other scenes of rememberence flash across the movie screen, but I don't know what they were, because by this time I was silently sobbing in my pew and poor Austin sat there looking at me not knowing what to do. I got up and left and went to the bathroom. I composed myself and went back into the sanctuary and Pastor was just finishing up with the story of the movie. "Oh Grandma" the grandson says "I know you may not remember me, but I will always remember you and your love for me." "I remember." The boy stood up and kissed his Grandmother on the forehead and said "I love you Grandma. I love you." The movie shows the boy catching up to his family at the car and it drives away from the home. The camera then pans to the Grandmother sitting quietly in her chair. Her head lifts ever so slightly and a faint smile comes to her face.

Pastor then added "You're probably wondering where Jesus fits in this story. He is there. Right there in the Grandmother. He remembers her too. And he lives in her and in the faint smile and he will continue to live on as she will whenever she enters the gates of Heaven."

After the sermon was over I let out a deep sigh, feeling somewhat emotionally exhausted by the sermon. Jays Aunt Julie plays the organ at the church and she started to play the tune for the receiving of the offering. It was "Amazing Grace". Honestly, my thought was "No God, no...not THAT song. Not after THAT sermon!" Aunt Julie has such a beautiful awesome voice, and she did an incredible rendition of the song. It was so moving that once again I had to leave the sanctuary and go into the bathroom in tears.

While in there, my phone buzzed and it was my sister Debi. She asked what I was doing and I said "Uh well, I'm actually standing in the church bathroom trying to compose myself." I explained about the sermon and the song and after I said I'd call her back, I blew my nose for the millionth time that morning and headed back to poor Austin who was probably wishing he could have stayed home and helped his dad. lol

Communion was the only thing left of the service and so I felt confident that I could make it through that ok. Wrong. The first song sung during communion was one I had never heard before, but it was beautiful. It talked about asking Jesus to take away our pain and suffering and to wrap us in his arms to keep us safe. The tears started again and Austin leaned over and whispered "Mom, if you want to just go home, it's ok." I nodded yes and we silently slipped out of the church. Thankfully Austin has his permit, because I asked him to drive home, which he did willingly.

I now know why I felt the strong pull to go to church. When I woke up on Sunday morning, Jay asked if I wanted to go to the hospital to see Grandma. I knew that being a Sunday, she would probably get many visitors. I also knew that my brother and sister were coming. I wanted to give them time they needed, and since I had been there every day, I said that we could wait and go down after supper. Between the sermon and the songs, I felt God was telling me to not wait. I knew that I urgently needed to get to the hospital. I had to get there, and it couldn't be later. Jay sensed that urgency, and even though he probably didn't understand it, he gladly said "lets go." We got down there and found she was declining rapidly. I held her hand and silently talked to her. I told her about all the things I was thankful for regarding her. I told her all the things I remembered and thanked her for those.

Cousins came, so I moved aside so they could see her. My brother and his fiance also came. I knew the time was getting close. We needed to get back, because Jay had things that needed to get done (farming related), so I went back to Grandma's side and I stroked her hair. I kissed her hand and said "I love you Grandma." A part of me felt it was the last time I would see her, and I was so glad that I had gone to church to feel that pull from God. He knew I'd regret it if I hadn't seen her that day before she passed. And sure enough, just a couple short hours later, she was gone.

Oh, sweet Grandma, I remember. I remember.