Physicals

Womens physicals. Lets see a show of hands by all you ladies - how many of you LOVE going to these? How many of you have the date of your next appointment circled on the calendar? Yea, just as I suspected...no hands went up. I have never met a woman who ever said "I'm soooo excited! I have my pelvic exam next week. I can't wait!" For you men who have no idea what we go through at these exams, let me see if I can put it in terms you can understand...

First, on the day of the exam, we shower, taking care to wash our woohoo a little extra good. Then we pat dry with a nice fluffy towel. Some even go the extra mile and will powder or even a little spritz of perfume. I'm not sure why we go to all that trouble, it's not like we're going on a date and it's definitely not a beauty contest. But anyhow we do. And what does the doctor have the nerve to do...put on gloves. As if we aren't clean enough for him. How insulting. Think about it men...you buff your bowling ball until it shines so much you could use the surface as a mirror and yet the guy bowling next to you won't touch your ball. You know you'd be insulted too.

So we go into the exam room where we are given a gown to put on. We must remove everything else, although I always leave my socks on - it's my way to rebel. We sit on that skinny table that's covered in paper, which again I find insulting as though I'm not clean enough. I used $50 per ounce perfume thank you very much.

The doctor comes in and tells me to lay on the table and I put my feet in the stirrups. He grabs ahold of my hips to pull me closer, while I'm thinking "hey buddy wanna buy me a drink first?"

Next he takes a contraption that has been sitting in the freezer for at least a month and says "take a deep breath" while he inserts this thing. He makes a few adjustments and voila...my own personal Grand Canyon. Thankfully he's never tried to see if he can hear an echo. For you men, think of the shoe stretcher contraption. Try making your size 9B shoe into a 16EEE and you get the gist of what it is like for us. What makes this even worse is that he actually tries to carry on a conversation while he's looking into your woohoo. There are just times I don't care to talk and this is one of them, so I give quick "um yea" or "no" or "OMG did you just climb your whole body in there?" type of answers.

Once that's done, we move on to the pelvic exam. I guess this could compare to the mans "turn your head and cough" exam if the doctor had their arm in the mans backside up to the elbow. Again, he tries to carry on a conversation while feeling your tonsils from the inside and pushing your belly button through the bottom of the table. I don't know whether to pee or puke, but I decide to do neither and I keep repeating "find your happy place. find your happy place."

He decides my tonsils (and ovaries) are fine and we move on to the breast exam. They try to be courteous and only uncover one breast at a time. Once he removes one of my sadly older "I have no life left in me" breasts from under my armpit he exams it while looking at the ceiling. He does the other side and then tells me I can sit up. Thankfully he doesn't light up a cigarette at this point and he doesn't offer me one either, although in some countries I'm sure what we just went through would be considered an engagement party.

If it's a really lucky day, we might get to have a mammogram. Men I only need to say 2 words to describe how this feels: Titty Twister. Remember those in jr high and high school. Jay still has nightmares about them. Oh yea and imagine that titty twister lasting for a few minutes on each side. Makes you glad you're not a woman huh?

So when everything is done, we chat for a while. I sometimes feel like I should say "want to meet my husband" or something else since this man has seen more of me than he has. It's awkward and then it's over. I walk out of the doctors office, feeling strangely violated.

I get home and take out the little card I was given and circle that date on next years calendar. Yippee! Only 364 more days and I can do this again!