This Is Why I Don't Cook

I'm not a professional chef. I've never even been to cooking school. I have never even had an interest in going to cooking school. I don't even have an interest in cooking. I do it because, well, I'm a wife and a mom and somewhere down the line, someone convinced me it was my job. It's too bad though, because that means my poor family has to suffer.

Over the years I have tried to cook. I mean, I do cook almost nightly, but there are times when I actually really TRY to cook something good. I have even tried to cook some almost exotic sounding items.

Just ask my parents about the blueberry-pear compote I made. Did you know that if you don't get the pear cooked very thoroughly it will actually flip out of the dish when you try to cut it? Or ask Jay about the fish I cooked on the grill. We never did get to eat those, because they were fish sticks and the little suckers kept falling through the grill as soon as they'd start to get soft. Or ask him about the baked potatoes that I cooked in the oven for 5 minutes because that is exactly what the directions said. Ok, so I missed the part where it said to cook them for 5 minutes in a microwave, but hey, at least I made sure I had sour cream on hand.

Yesterday was no exception to my lack of cooking ability. I had a lot of things I was trying to get accomplished yesterday and I was a busy, busy lady. I forgot to lay anything out or even plan anything for supper, so I stopped at the Target Supercenter before heading home.

I heart Target.

Anywhoooooo....I went through the grocery section and found pre-made meatloaf and a container of pre-made mashed potatoes. SCORE! It's just like home cooked. It even said so right on the box. I grabbed a package of lettuce and some diced fresh fruit and headed home with a supper that was guaranteed to be ready in 5 minutes or less. Again, it said so on the box.

I popped the mashed potatoes in the microwave and *DING* 4 minutes and 30 seconds later...steaming taters. mmmm-mmmm. I squirted a little butter into them and stirred it up while the meatloaf was cooking. Since nothings too good for my family, I decided to get fancy and I put the mashed potatoes into a pretty glass serving dish. We were eating like royalty tonight!
*Ding* the meatloaf was done. I wasn't overly impressed with the tomato sauce on the top of it, so I added BBQ sauce and spread it over the top as well. I was going to put it on a serving platter, but at that moment Jay arrived home, so it'd have to stay in the tray it came in. That was ok, if I kept the lights dim, the black shiny plastic dish will almost look ceramic. I rip open the lettuce, toss it in a bowl, grab the dressing and the diced fresh fruit and we sit down to a yummy home cooked meal. More or less.

We said grace and started to dish up the food. Folks, this again will explain why I should really give up cooking all together. Seriously - forever.

Jay grabbed the serving spoon to dish up the meatloaf. The meat was hard. Hard enough that the spoon wouldn't even go into it. He looked at me and I avoided all eye contact so I could pretend I didn't notice anything. He tried again to get some meat, but it was impossible to get through.

OH COME ON....There is no way I could screw up taking a dish out of a box and putting it in the microwave, so it HAD to be something he was doing wrong.

He got up, turned up the lights and decided to investigate (read: dissect) the meatloaf.

"You are kidding me!" Jay said and that was followed by hysterical laughter. Austin jumped up, took a look and the kid nearly hyperventilated he laughed so hard.

I didn't get it. And I didn't want to get it. Because I knew this meant that somehow, someway I COULD and DID screw up taking a dish out of a box and putting it in the microwave.

I just sat there eating my potatoes praying I would wake up and find this was all a bad dream. Jay said "Honey, you have to see this. I'm serious. You HAVE to see this. This is probably your best oops yet." I got up and slowly peeked at the meatloaf. I didn't see anything at first, but then I saw it.

There sat the meatloaf - with the plastic wrapper still sealed over the top.

I evidentally missed the part where they said to remove the plastic, and while cooking it obviously shrink wrapped itself to the meat.

Yea, I really need to give up cooking - forever.