Monday, February 23, 2009

The Truth About Me

Hello, my name is Dena and I have been living a lie. Well, not in real life, but in bloggy life. You see, I have been pretending that I am something I am not. I'm sure you all think I'm so cool (*snicker*). I'm sure you all think my peeps dig me (*snicker again*). The truth is, I don't even have peeps...well, except for my hidden stash of those cute little marshmallow peeps in the bottom desk drawer, but that's a different story.

So here is the truth about me, in all it's glory:

1. I am short. Let's just get it out there right away. Oh I know, I'm pretty sure I come across larger than life, but truth is, I'm barely larger than Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

2. I am old. That fact was probably made apparent to those of you who are now googling Fantasy Island to find out where it's located, and who Tattoo is.

3. I am not blonde. I am dark blonde, made lighter by Natural Blonde #9. Thanks Loreal. Holla!

4. I am not wealthy. I know, shocking right? I mean, after all, I go on and on about my Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous endevours at Target and Wally World. Truth is, we are broke, and mama needs new underwear.

5. I am not a size 5. My right thigh might be though. Maybe if I combine both thighs, they're size 5 squared....but I don't know, because that would involve math, which leads me to.....

6. I am sooooooooo bad at math it's not even funny. I am serious enough to admit that I'm not even 100% sure that what I listed in #5 even IS an actual math problem. At a recent trip to the bank, the teller pointed out a mistake I made in adding up our deposit amount. Folks, I used a calculator. Now THAT's bad.

7. I can't sing well. Yes, I do love musicals. Yes, I do love to sing. Yes, I do love to sing loud. Yes, I do love to sing loud along with musicals....and I do just that. However, you will want to not only be in the next room, within a few minutes you will want to be in the next house, which is a mile away, and depending on how much I love a particular musical, still might be too close. In my mind, I am a mixture of Celine, Whitney & Martina. But in real life, I am mixture of William Hung, Scat Girl & the guy with the scary eyeliner, all from American Idol. I know I'm bad because when my son was 3 years old, I was singing to him and he covered my mouth and said "You don't sing so good mama". Ouch.

8. I talk baby talk to my dogs. "Who's mama's babies? Who loves mama sooooo much? Yessss, mama does love her cutesy wootsie snuggle babies." In my defense, if Jay would allow me to talk to him like that, I wouldn't have to resort to talking to the dogs. Ok, so one time I slipped and called him my "sex-ay Snugglebunny" in front of the guys. I ask you, is that a reason to get slapped with a lifetime ban??

9. I'm not a patient driver. When I get in the car, I want to go. I don't want interruptions and I don't want to have to drive 40 mph on the highway behind Grandpa Smith who is looking back and forth at all the fields to see how the crops are growing. They're growing...the same as they do every year! Let's goooooooo! Oh, and it's even worse when they pull out in front of me and then go slow. I'm all "Oh no you di'nt!" And why do some people not use their turning signals? It makes me crazy! ARGH!

10. I'm a clutz. When we go out to eat, whether it's at a buffet or a fast food restaurant, Jay won't allow me to carry any drinks. I have gotten many dirty looks from strangers who might have accidentally gotten wet on some of my beverage carrying adventures. I also tend to drop things, which is why the grocery store is eternally grateful that most items are now in plastic containers instead of glass. Who knew mayo could splatter that far?

11. I am obsessed with the idea of never getting food poisoning. If any items are even close to expiring, I will throw them out. My family is usually annoyed that I do this, but I always ask them "Have any of you ever been in the ER having your stomach pumped?" You're welcome.

12. I hate feet. Not just my feet, but all feet. They are gross and stinky. I even had to think twice about marrying Jay when there was a night during our engagement that his feet hurt and he asked me to rub them for him. I considered calling an emergency pre-marital counseling session, because it was obvious this guy did not know me at all! I have never had a pedicure and never will have one. I don't even like to touch my own feet. I will freak out on you if you put your feet anywhere near me, and you may find yourself getting kicked. Consider yourself warned.

13. Do NOT touch the food on my plate. I don't like to let my food touch and and I don't like you taking any of it. Seeing a plate with mashed potatoes and jello on it, together, makes me gag. I know that jello juice is going to run into those potatoes. Seeing you grab one of my french fries with those fingers that have just been in your mouth....Nasty!

14. While we're on the topic of food...let me also add in that I do not appreciate anyone drinking from my cup, bottle, mug, or glass. If you do, I hope you like what you tasted because you will be finishing it. I don't share that with anyone. I will happily share my beverage with you...just get your own cup. I am not risking any of your backwash in my drink.

15. I have some hairs on my chin. When and why did this happen? I have no idea. But it has, and even with as much as I have prayed to my heavenly Father above, it hasn't disappeared yet. So I tweeze. Daily.

16. I am very clausterphobic. I can't even wear turtlenecks, and when I sleep at night, my arms must be outside of the covers so I don't suffocate. Oh, and I almost always have at least one foot outside of the covers too...or else I can't breathe.

17. I'm terrifed of ever going on a cruise and I can give the reason in just one word: Titanic.

18. I hum. Mostly random tunes that are known to no one but the little composers living inside my head. I do it often enough that people comment on it. But, at least I'm not singing!

19. I have always said that I don't like brussel sprouts because they taste bad. The truth is that when I was in junior high school I was traumatized to the point of never being able to eat them again, when a boy in my class told me they were animal testicles.

20. I keep forgetting that people I know in real life actually read this silly little blog of mine. From time to time I do remember that, and then I will quickly skim back over past posts to make sure I didn't say anything too admitting all my quirks and fears so that they can be repeated to me at the next family gathering.


Marian J. Olive said...

and never fear, cause they WILL be!

DEb said...

I LOVE the real you....cuz it sounds like ME... (minus the chin hairs..)hahah

Anonymous said...

the truth is - WE ALL, have 'truths' maybe some did not know about......thanks for sharing and know - I did know and I DO not care - you will always be my special Dena....

sara said...

wow, really your food can't touch?!

Here's where any "alikeness" we had now ends!! I don't care if my food touches, it all goes to the same place and will touch eventually....I LOVE eating off of your plate b/c then we can each get something different and "taste" both!!! and if you have a sucker and it looks good....hand it over, I won't even blink when I put it in my mouth!!! :)

both we are both old and neither of us is blonde!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

11! Me Too. 12: one of my best friends is also like this. 19: Too funny.