Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Thanks Eve

This particular post has a lot of "girl" talk in it, so any men who happen to be reading this will probably want to scramble to quickly click to a different page right about.........NOW!

Ok, you were warned, so fasten your seatbelts men...it's going to be a bumpy ride for you, and barf bags are not available on this particular flight.

It's amazing to me that one small bite of an apple is something the rest of us women have to pay for...for most of our lives. How fair is that??? If I steal from the grocery store, or hurt someone, does anyone else go to jail with me? no. If I break something does someone else have to pay the shop owner for it? no. So how is it that God who is fair and just thinks it's cool to make me pay for something Eve did a bazillion years ago? What about the whole forgive and forget thing? hhhhmmmm? I don't get it! Hmm 2

Of course I am speaking about having periods (pausing briefly to give men a second to quickly click the back button...listen can you hear them shouting "omg she said the "p" word!!!Shock 2 For those men who have decided to brave on and finish reading, I'll save them a little bit by not using the "p" word anymore...intsead I'll use a famous acronym used on the web among women: "AF" which stands for Auntie Flow (yea ok, I see we've lost a few more men on that one LOL)

Anyhow, from here on out the "p" word will be referred to as AF. Thanks to dear sweet Eve, we have to pay the price. Growing up, I was thankfully a late bloomer so to speak and didn't start getting visits from AF until I was in high school...not that I was sad about that. I never had regular visits, they were pretty sporadic. After getting married and struggling to have children, they became even more sporadic. By my 30's I only head to deal with AF maybe once a year. Still too often in my book, but much better than it could be.

One day I get the idea to try to get healthier. I quit smoking - 5 years smoke free as of 11/3/07...go me! Woohoo and decided to lose weight. Sure, I could breathe easier. Sure, my clothes started to get baggy therefore forcing me to have to go shopping (yes I enjoyed it, but that's beside the point). Sure, I had more energy and stamina. But what was my ultimate reward??? Regular, visits from AF...every stinkin month!!!! How is that fair???
Something is definitely wrong here. God....we really need to talk.

So, every single month I get a backache that feels like I'm being stabbed. Every single month I get a migraine announcing the arrival of AF (sometimes 2...1 before, 1 during). Every single month I am doubled over in pain and the heating pad is my best friend. Every single month I swell up to the point I have to lay on the bed and suck in tightly to try to get my jeans to button. Every single month I turn into some sort of psycho maniac that would scare most horror movie villans. Why? All because Eve couldn't deal with her carb cravings. Geez girl, you had an entire garden to run around in...choose a pickle, choose a strawberry, anything else but the apple! But noooooooooo. And her loving DH Adam chomps away on some carbs too, but what do most men have to deal with because of it. Nothing, nada, zilch! They should at least have to deal with carb cravings or cramps monthly...something. Any accomplice in a crime also has to pay, so why not Adam? Yea, yea, yea, he had to move and he had to put some clothes on. When I say "Adam" I'm referring to all men in general, so please don't email me saying that I was bashing Adam.

You want to know what is worse than having regular visits every month from AF? Not having one! ACK! I realize that I am not a Spring chicken anymore, I mean I am 30 something (hush!) and while I aboslutely LOVE my children and can't imagine life without them, I really, really, REALLY do not want any more! Well, my visits from AF have been going along regularly until this month. Talk about someone freaking out!Scared 1 Oh my, I was beyond that! I couldn't focus, I couldn't concentrate, I could barely function. 3-4 days beyond when she normally arrives and AF hasn't arrived yet. 6-7 days go by and still no visit. At this point I decide to let DH sweat it out with me. He got this shocked look on his face and said nothing. Not one word. Acted as if he hadn't heard a thing. I was thinking "great, I've stunned him into silence." Day 8, 9 & 10 go by and I'm so stressed out that I have a killer migraine. This past Sunday was day 13 and my migraine was so bad I could barely get out of bed, so DH took the kids to church and I slept all morning. I woke up about 10:00 and went to the bathroom and I heard the angels singing "HALLELUIA". AF had arrived! Yes I am 100% serious when I say that within 2 hrs, the migraine that had crippled me for nearly 3 days was totally gone! Sure I had the cramps. Sure I had to wear sweats because my jeans wouldn't even button. Sure my back hurt terribly, but guess what....that meant I wasn't pregnant!!!!! So thanks Eve. Without you I wouldn't know if I was or wasn't and I could possibly go through this stress every single month. You rock girl!!!

1 comment:

Steve, Debi, Brennan, & Nate said...

You never cease to make me laugh! LOL You are a GREAT writer, Dena! I love reading your blog! So glad you decided to take after me! LOL