Ok, you were warned, so fasten your seatbelts men...it's going to be a bumpy ride for you, and barf bags are not available on this particular flight.
It's amazing to me that one small bite of an apple is something the rest of us women have to pay for...for most of our lives. How fair is that??? If I steal from the grocery store, or hurt someone, does anyone else go to jail with me? no. If I break something does someone else have to pay the shop owner for it? no. So how is it that God who is fair and just thinks it's cool to make me pay for something Eve did a bazillion years ago? What about the whole forgive and forget thing? hhhhmmmm? I don't get it!

Of course I am speaking about having periods (pausing briefly to give men a second to quickly click the back button...listen can you hear them shouting "omg she said the "p" word!!!

Anyhow, from here on out the "p" word will be referred to as AF. Thanks to dear sweet Eve, we have to pay the price. Growing up, I was thankfully a late bloomer so to speak and didn't start getting visits from AF until I was in high school...not that I was sad about that. I never had regular visits, they were pretty sporadic. After getting married and struggling to have children, they became even more sporadic. By my 30's I only head to deal with AF maybe once a year. Still too often in my book, but much better than it could be.
One day I get the idea to try to get healthier. I quit smoking - 5 years smoke free as of 11/3/07...go me!

Something is definitely wrong here. God....we really need to talk.
So, every single month I get a backache that feels like I'm being stabbed. Every single month I get a migraine announcing the arrival of AF (sometimes 2...1 before, 1 during). Every single month I am doubled over in pain and the heating pad is my best friend. Every single month I swell up to the point I have to lay on the bed and suck in tightly to try to get my jeans to button. Every single month I turn into some sort of psycho maniac that would scare most horror movie villans. Why? All because Eve couldn't deal with her carb cravings. Geez girl, you had an entire garden to run around in...choose a pickle, choose a strawberry, anything else but the apple! But noooooooooo. And her loving DH Adam chomps away on some carbs too, but what do most men have to deal with because of it. Nothing, nada, zilch! They should at least have to deal with carb cravings or cramps monthly...something. Any accomplice in a crime also has to pay, so why not Adam? Yea, yea, yea, he had to move and he had to put some clothes on. When I say "Adam" I'm referring to all men in general, so please don't email me saying that I was bashing Adam.
You want to know what is worse than having regular visits every month from AF? Not having one! ACK! I realize that I am not a Spring chicken anymore, I mean I am 30 something (hush!) and while I aboslutely LOVE my children and can't imagine life without them, I really, really, REALLY do not want any more! Well, my visits from AF have been going along regularly until this month. Talk about someone freaking out!


1 comment:
You never cease to make me laugh! LOL You are a GREAT writer, Dena! I love reading your blog! So glad you decided to take after me! LOL
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