Never Again

Yesterday I read an article that started off with a fill-in-the-blank question. It said "I'll never do ______ again, and here's why." Hhhhmm...I can only think of one thing...flying.

I've always had a little bit of a fear of heights, but as I get older, it gets worse and worse. And now it's to the point where I have to be medicated if I'm to be any higher than a chair.

A few years ago, we were at the state fair, and as luck would have it, the sky glider ride went the exact direction we needed to go. I know that the fear of anything is basically a mind game, so I told myself to stop being such a wimp and just ride the darn thing. As soon as I sat down it rocked back and forth and I immediately knew this was a bad idea! I clutched the front bar with one death grip and the back of Jay's shirt with the other and prayed that it would make it safely to the other side. The girls sat in the seat ahead of us and faced backwards the whole time and kept asking if I was ok. NO! I'm wetting my pants here! I had to control my breathing. If I hyperventilated, I could pass out, fall to my death and that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. This is where my lamaze breathing came in handy. Even Jay got into it "Breathe honey, just breathe". We landed FINALLY and I actually cried with relief that it was over.

Fast forward 6-7 yrs and the fear has evolved...Last September we took a family vacation to Florida. Since we live in the midwest and didn't have 2-3 weeks with which to take this trip, that meant flying there. Just like with childbirth, the trauma of my skyglider trip had eased and I was willing to try this again...I even got medication this time. I took a pill an hour before our flight as directed and I felt great. I was even excited at how relaxing this trip would be. "We will now begin general boarding of all passengers" came over the loud speaker and we got in line. I looked out the window and there was the airplane facing us. I looked down at my boarding pass and realized "Holy crap, I'm really getting on that thing!" The tears started to fall and Austin said "Uh Houston we have a problem". Probably not the best thing he could have said given the situation, but he was trying to be helpful so I didn't strangle him. Jay took my hand and literally had to push me through the doorway of the plane. I remember hoping the flight attendants were thinking that I was just sad at leaving someone behind and not that I was so afraid that I wanted to throw up right there on their polyester suits.

We sat in our seats and all was ok. I calmed down and believed the worst was over. I took a 2nd pill to be sure. Then came the time for take-off. As soon as the plane started to move, fear set in and I started to ramble and plead to Jay to get me off that plane :"I've changed my mind. I'll walk to Florida. Ok that's silly, but I can drive. You and the kids fly there and I'll meet you there. Please let me off of this. I can't do it. I'm weak. Please I don't want to do this!" Then I sat and silently cried like a baby so overcome with a fear like I've never felt before. Total terror and helplessness. I prayed and prayed and prayed. "Please God, break the stick thingy so this plane won't leave the ground. While you're at it, do it to all of them so we can't just switch planes". Then came the worst moment ever....we actually started to leave the ground. I was in such a state of panic that I actually found it hard to breathe. Jay was great...I think. What I mean is, I think I remember him holding me tight and talking sweetly to me, but I can't tell you what he said. I was too busy crying and praying.

Eventually we leveled out and my panic subsided. Once they said we could now move around the cabin I realized that I had to pee so badly and at that moment I was actually proud of myself for not wetting my pants during the take-off. I take small victories when I can get them.

The landing was bad as well, but not quite as traumatic as the take-off. I think I allowed some circulation to move through Jay's hands and arm while we landed. I'm sure he appreciated that.

We had a great trip and all too soon it was over and we were to head back to the airport. I knew I didn't want to go through that entire panic attack again, but also knew there was no choice. Jay suggested I double my medication dose, so I did. I did much better at the airport. No tears boarding the plane. Whew! We sat in our seats and visited. So far so good and I was encouraged. The plane engine reved up and it started to move. I vividly remember hearing "Assume the crash position! Assume the crash position!". I knew it was in my head, but it was very real! Here we go again. I clutched Jays arm and hands with the death grip and I closed my eyes tightly while having my head on his shoulder. Tears came again, but not as badly as before, and didn't have the feeling of struggling to breathe this time, so that was improvement. I still had to pee immediately upon being told we could leave our seats, but total bliss came after that. The meds must have kicked in and I was out cold for the remainder of the flight. I even had a little drool when I woke up. Classy huh? I was still groggy for the landing, which was a good thing. I held tight to Jay, but no tears. Another small victory. We got off the plane and into our van for the 3hr drive home. I slept 2.8 hrs of it. Still blissfully drugged up.

So yea, I guess I'd have to say that flying is something I probably shouldn't ever do again. Along with getting on a roof or even a ladder. My feet are meant to be firmly on the ground.

Ever thought about how you'd answer that question?