Friday, January 09, 2009

Things I've Learned Recently

While basically only having one arm and one hand right now since the one is numb, I've come to refer to my useless hand as "dead". Since having a dead hand, I've learned a couple of things. Being left-handed and having that hand be the dead one, has taught me a few other things. For example:

1. When trying to brush your teeth with your opposite hand, cover everything within 5' of you with plastic (including yourself - well expose your mouth though). It will save you hours of clean up time. Unless you really want to find out how far toothpaste can spray from your mouth...then by all means....go for it!

2. When trying to brush your hair with that opposite hand, yelling at the mirror does not make things go any smoother. Hair spray also appears to go in all directions except on your hair.

3. It is impossible to tie your shoes with only one hand. Oh I'm sure there's some smarty pants out there waving their hands yelling "I can do it! I can do it", but for the average Joe the Plumber like me...slip-ons are your friend. For this same reason, button-up shirts are not a good idea. Go for a pull-over. You and your stress level will thank me.

4. When sleeping, it is possible to cause your dear husband to have bruises by throwing your dead arm and not realize it. He will not appreciate it. He'll still love you, I'm just sayin'.

5. Do not, and I can't emphasize this enough...DO NOT attempt to pick up anything liquid with your dead hand. You will drop it and get wet, as will others around you. And they will have no sympathy for you or your dead hand. That is not a part of how to win friends. Trust me on this.

*Editors note: My apologies again to the lovely people at Subway.

6. Shaking out your hand/arm to try to get feeling back in it is not a good idea in public. It will cause people to ask if you need any medical help, and the Target greeter will ask if you need an associate to assist you with your shopping.

7. Hitting your dead hand on a table to prove it's "deadness" is not a good idea. It will throb later. Apparently dead hands can still cause great pain.

8. Don't try to put on a necklace, earrings or any other form of jewelry. Dead hand will not cooperate and you won't know if you have that part of the jewelry still in your hand or not. It will however cause great entertainment for your son who enjoys watching you twist around like a contortionist to see if you still have ahold of it.

9. Cooking is a bad idea. Well, for me, cooking is always a bad idea, but when doing it with only one hand, it somehow causes the smoke detectors to go off. Well, more than normal anyhow.

10. Doctors will not give you a handicapped parking permit or even a prescription requiring your husband to hire a full-time cook/maid due to your ailment...not matter how much you beg.


sara said...

okay, first why do you have a "dead hand"? Is it going to get better?

Now, brushing teeth would be even messier if you had an electric tooth brush!!! :)

And as for my vote....I so think you deserve the cook/maid!!!!

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

lol! This was a cute post, my friend!

I am left handed, too, btw. :-)

And the image of your son laughing while you twist around looking for your jewelry cracked me UP!

Hope that hand comes alive soon...really soon.

Becky said...

Arg! I am frustrated for you! I hope you get some relief soon and your hand magically returns to life.

My Love has had success with acupuncture if you are up to it.