Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why I'll Never Be Paula Deen

The other night I made up recipes and put them in the freezer. One was meatballs, one was ribs in a homemade BBQ sauce, and one was a tamale casserole that made enough for me to divide it into two, so I ended up with 4 meals.

Those all went well, so I got all cocky with myself. "Let's see what else we can make. A real recipe. Not just mix and dump, but I want cooking, simmering, and all that more technical cooking stuff."

What you are about to read is proof as to why you should never ever listen to that inner voice that dares you to do something. If you hear "I double dog dare you" in your head - ignore it!

I found a recipe that night for homemade scalloped potatoes and ham. mmmmmm! One of my favorite comfort foods. The one I found was gluten free and sugar free, so I was extra excited to try it. I made sure I had all the ingredients and ba-da-bing, I was ready to go yesterday morning.

I bid my guys good-bye as they headed off to work and school....... and the day went downhill from there.

I got out my recipe book and I got out the potatoes. I peeled 6 large potatoes, which left my fibro-tender fingers cramping, but I could deal with it. I cut up some ham into small cubes and set those aside.

The next step was to slice the potatoes paper thin. So I went to get my potato slicer. I have one of those? Oh, I have to have one, don't I? Didn't I get one as a wedding gift or something?

I looked everywhere in the kitchen, and I do mean everywhere. There was not a potato slicer to be found. So, off to Wal-Mart I went (which is a 25 min drive by the way).

I get to Wal-Mart and realize my purse is back home on the table. Well, crap. I started digging through the Vue. In the center console and a dash tray I scrounged up enough change to equal $5.34. I went in and found a utensil that said "Slicer", and it was only $2.97. Across from it was a small plastic scraper. I could really use one of those. It was only $0.97. sa-weeeeeet! I'm sure the checkout lady thought I was near homelessness as I counted out my dimes and nickles to buy my slicer and plastic scraper.

I got home grabbed a peeled potato and ran it across the slicer. It got stuck. I tried again, stuck again. I couldn't get it to work. Jay came in and saw me struggling and offered to help. He took one look and said "Um, dear. This is a cheese slicer." "THEN WHY DON'T THEY SAY THAT?" I showed him the tag I had cut off that just said SLICER. ARGH!

Jay laughed, but then realized it would be better if he just went back to what he was doing.

By this time the nearby outlet was open, so off I go again to the kitchen store, and I told the lady what I wanted. Did you know there are a whole truckload of types of gadets to slice your potatoes? I seriously wanted to take them all home (well, not the one that was $60), but I finally settled on one and headed back home.

By now I was exhausted, and took a much needed diet coke break to clear my head. When I felt more relaxed I headed to the kitchen with my new toy, I grabbed a potato and voila - paper thin potatoes. I was so excited I let out a squeal. Aren't they purdy?

Now it was time to make the sauce. I was to combine milk, E.V.O.O., and arrowroot. Arrow what? What the heck is arrowroot and how did I miss that when making my shopping list? I panicked. There was no way I was running back to a grocery store. Since I couldn't figure it out, I called my mom. Her advice "Look it up on the internet." I said "But you're the cook in the family, you're supposed to know these things."

She looked it up while I babbled incoherently about something to do with planning to hire someone to do all my cooking from now on. I came to long enough to hear her say that arrowroot was kinda-sorta interchangeable with Tapioca, which of course, I didn't have either.

By now, this should have been a sign for me to scratch the project, but oh no, not me. Mom read on and said the words "corn starch". I have that! Woot! Woot! Thanks Mom!

I got the sauce mixed up, and since this recipe made a large amount, I put half the potatoes in one smaller pan, and the other half in another pan. I poured the sauce over them and covered each pan and sealed them. I slapped a label on stating that scalloped potatoes and ham was inside and I stood back to admire my great work....and the disaster of a mess in my kitchen. Yes, I admit it, I am the worlds messiest cook.

As I picked up the containers and started to head towards the freezer, I saw it....

There on the counter....

was the bowl of cubed ham.


I bet Paula never has days like this.


skoots1mom said...

please tell me you opened them and folded in the ham :)

mom and dad said...

you know - I bet if you add the ham to the potatoes, it will still be good! what a hoot and great cook you have become...............

Kim said...

Oh my word. I got a kick out of this post....and the fact that you left out the ham is funny....but you need to give yourself more credit in regard to cooking. You do fine.

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Oh, that's hilarious!

(and I'll bet Paula DOES have days like that. She has to!)

I'm dying to know if the corn starch worked in your dish...