The truth behind deployment!

Our daughter Ashley posted this on her facebook page. She didn't write this, but when talking to her about it, she said it totally fit with her feelings about her quick marriage before her husbands deployment, and how she has felt since he left.

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The truth behind deployment! - from the wife/girl friend perspective

"You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every morning, and hopes every night for his safe return.

I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home.

I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me.

I'm the girl who sits quietly during class because all I can think about is that next moment when he will safely be in my arms again.


You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him.

I'm the girl who checks my cell phone every five seconds just to make sure I haven't missed his call.

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.

What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for.

I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living.

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. You don't know that every time he leaves part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me.

You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady.

You tell me, I'm too young to be married, I tell you, and I'm too in love to not be.



You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea.


What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.

You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played.

I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside.

I am one of the girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through.

You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do.

You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better.


You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time.

You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is.

I'm the girl you see standing alone in the corner of the airport watching quietly out the window with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground.

What you don't know, is that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know.

You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful.

What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing.

I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Marine, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country."

A Lot To Be Thankful For

What a fun Thanksgiving and weekend. We alternate holidays with my family since we are all so spread out, and this year we were together on Thanksgiving. My mom is an amazing cook and as usual, she had an awesome spread! So good! We spent the day with my brother, his wife, and their 3 kids, my sister and her husband, and my other sister, her husband, their 2 kids, their 2 foster kids, and their dog.

It was a noisy, crazy house, but so much fun!

Honestly, Thanksgiving has never been one of my "favorite" holidays. It always seemed odd to me that we had to declare a holiday to remember to be grateful. My thinking was "shouldn't we be thankful every day?" Of course, that never stopped me from enjoying all the good food. ha!

This year, I secretly challenged myself to find things to be grateful for outside of the normal ideas of family and friends, although I am very thankful for those. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and here is what I came up with....

1. I am thankful for our soldiers, who sacrificed their Thanksgiving holiday to protect me so that I could enjoy mine. To go along with that, I am also thankful for our police officers, fire-fighters, and EMTs who also sacrifice their holidays to protect and help us.

2. I am thankful to be living where I am. In spite of all our problems, I wouldn't want to live anywhere other than in America. I can worship and pray to my God. I can celebrate a holiday that revolves around my God and no one can deny me that right. "They" don't have to agree with it or like it...but they can't stop me. I just pray that never ends.

3. I am thankful to have what some consider "luxuries" - food, clothing and shelter. I've never had to live in my car or under a bridge. I've never had to dig through a dumpster for a shirt without holes, or for my next meal. I can lay my head down without being afraid of what tomorrow will bring.

4. I am thankful for a little foster boy named "M". When at my parents house, we all went around the room telling what we were thankful for and M put it plain and simple: "I'm thankful that this is my best Thanksgiving ever." Which made me thankful for the lump in my throat.

5. Which leads me to the last thing on my list, and the thing M reminded me of....I am thankful for love. I have never had to know the sadness of feeling unloved by everyone around me. I've never had to know what it was like to have people who were supposed to love and care for me, fail at that. I have never had to know the fear in being taken away from all I knew...no matter how bad it was. I have never had to know what it was like to be handed over to complete strangers. And, I have never had to experience true love from strangers who accepted me for me... and willingly embraced me. I have never known the hunger for that kind of love. A small child reminded me of that, and for that I am truly thankful.

God Bless You M. I am so thankful for you.

God Bless My Friends

I have some of the best friends ever. They are caring, loving, fun, supportive, and let me whine and complain when I feel the need. They don't judge or criticize. They are just there with open arms when they're needed, or even a swift "kick in the behind" to get e back on track when needed.

I belong to a weight loss forum for women, and have for a few years now. Over the years people have come and gone, including the one who started the forum, and her successor. But a strong core of ladies has remained. Some of us now help moderate the forum and we talk daily. The best part is that we literally range from coast to coast regarding where we live, and there is approximately a 20 year age range between us. But the age and location differences don't even matter.

I've been pretty down since all my thyroid troubles have started, because I can't seem to lose a single ounce, no matter how hard I try. Then I've been dealing with a lot of pain, different uncaring doctors, different diagnosis that get canceled out, and it's just been a long, long year.

I had considered stepping down as moderator. I felt by not being able to lose weight, that I wasn't doing my job as being a good role model for new members. They encouraged me to stick it out, because others will have struggles like I do and I can set the example of not giving up. So I've stayed...and I'm so glad I did. I really do love these ladies and count them as friends...even though we've never met in person.

I've been feeling pretty stressed lately, because we got my latest test results back and while we're not totally sure what they are saying, we feel we have a pretty good idea. I meet with my family doctor later today to find out for sure.

The ladies know what I've been going through and they have been great. They've been just as frustrated as I have been with everything and are praying for answers as much as I am.

Today a box was delivered. Now I realize that "brain fog" is one of the symptoms of Hashimoto's Disease, but this was a bad case of it, because I honestly couldn't remember ordering a single thing. I had no idea what it was. I opened the packing slip and the name was the same first name as a woman who lives down the road about a mile. Frustrated, I figured the mail carrier made a mistake. But then I looked at the packing slip again and it said it was to be delivered to me.

Huh? Why would that lady send something to me? I opened the box and there was a small robot and a voodoo type doll. Ok, now I was REALLY confused!

More reading of the packing slip helped me to find a note at the bottom. It said "Doctors being a pain? Stick 'em with a pin! And when you're not feeling well, let your little robot friend give you a hand. From your friends at BBC" (one of the ladies has the same first name as that lady that lives down the road, so that's who sent the box!)

Turns out the robot is a counter top vacuum for crumbs. The doll had funny sayings on it like "feeling stressed?" "Someone giving you a migraine?"

Oh my goodness. I laughed! I laughed until I cried. I have women who have never met me in person, but have taken the time to get to know me, and to think they went out of their way to do this for me is more special to me than they can ever know. I will count these silly items as two of my treasured possessions.

So to Ali, Jane, Susan and the rest of the gang..... I love you ladies!!

We'll Be Busy With Family Tomorrow, So......

Happy 22nd Anniversary Jay.
I love you with all my heart.

July 11, 1987

Grow old along with me.
The best is yet to be.

How I Met My Mr. Right ~ Part 3

In late October, Jay came to pick me up to go to my parents home so they could meet him. I was so nervous! My dad hasn't ever been too fond of any guys I have dated, and since I really kind of liked this one, I didn't want my dad scaring him off.

I greeted Jay at the door when he arrived. There he is standing there in his old high school basketball warm-up pants. They are wide vertical stripes of maroon, black and white. AND he is wearing a BeeGees t-shirt. He looked very similar to the collage I put together over here on the right. I still shudder when I think of it. One thought came to my mind: My dad is going to eat you alive!

I rode back to his apartment with him and helped pick out something else for him to wear and off we went to my parents. I was still very nervous, but I'm totally serious when I say that within 30 minutes my dad and Jay were having a beer and talking golf and getting along great. I had nothing to have been nervous about...although, I was still glad I had made him change.

On Christmas Eve 1986, just 3 short months after we started dating, Jay got down on one knee in my living room and proposed to me. Without any hesitation I said yes. God had answered my prayer. I had met my Mr. Right. I remember looking up on Christmas night, just 24 hours later and saying "Thank you God, but whew....we cut it pretty close there. 1986 was almost over!"

This is a picture of Jay and I on the night we got engaged. Oh my goodness, we look SO young!

I'm Da Bomb!

Yesterday I took Austin to an eye appointment and we saw this car in the parking lot, which cracked us both up:



In case you can't read what it says, it's: "Got Rust?" And let me tell you, this picture doesn't do the car justice, it was c o v e r e d in rust! So funny!


Austin made the comment that they should have that on their license plate, which started a discussion about funny or creative vanity plates on vehicles.


Austin said "Yours should be bomb mom, you know BOMBMOM". I sarcastically said "Why? Cuz I'm da bomb?" and I laughed since I knew there was no way my 16 year old son would actually think that about his mom. But guess what? He actually grinned and said "Well, yea".


Oh man, if I wasn't so afraid of having him take it back, I would have grabbed him right there and given that boy of mine a big old wet kiss on the cheek.

Just when you think you have your kids all figured out ~ they go and surprise you.

Mt. St. Helens In My Living Room

Being in my 40's, peri-menopausal, and (this week) experiencing raging PMS, emotions and tears are always going to be right there, ready to spill over. Add in a holiday like Mothers Day, and the fact that I was having to come to terms with the fact that my baby, my youngest child, the last baby I would ever have, was turning 16, and my emotions were just begging for an excuse to erupt!

Such was the case on Sunday.

Let me back up....last year at this time we were neck deep in craziness. In a 3 week period we had Austin's confirmation, Austin's birthday, Ashley & Chelsea's graduation from high school & Jay's birthday. I still can't believe I didn't totally lose my mind. With Austin's birthday right inbetween confirmation and graduation I begged him to let us celebrate his birthday AFTER those events were over. He's such a great kid that he said that would be fine.

However, as happens sometimes, we got busy with other things afterwards and he never did get a birthday party. Oh the mother guilt I felt! So this year I was determined we'd do something.

With his golf team schedule & school concerts, there was just no time this week to celebrate, so we went out to eat on Sunday instead. Yes, it was also Mothers Day, but I told Jay before we left for the restaurant "This is to be Austin's party day, not Mothers Day". I don't want anything to take away from his special time, so don't even mention Mothers Day.

We had a great supper. My parents were there, both girls were there from their colleges, and we had great food (we even brought a cake).

My parents went home. The girls went back to college. We went home, and then Jay & Austin went to play golf. I sat there and thought "Wait a minute....they never gave me anything for Mothers Day".

I don't mean that as I'm materialistic. One of my favorite gifts is a "poster" one of my girls made for me several years ago that stated I was the best mom ever, so it's not that I wanted some expensive gift. But just to know they did something to show their love for me would have been nice. But I got nothing, and I was hurt.

Remember the volcano I mentioned earlier? It erupted. All over the couch and living room floor. I cried and I cried and I cried, and it was ugly. I kept thinking over and over "I can't believe they didn't think enough of me to get me anything. Not even a bouquet of dandilions from the front yard!" and then I'd cry some more.

Jay and Austin came home from golf around 9pm, and I said nothing. I was still in shock and too hurt. Jay left the room and came back with a box he gave to Austin. Austin said "Thanks. I wondered where you put it." and he walked over to me "Here mom, this is for you from my sisters and me. Happy Mothers Day."

"What? You got me something? You DID think of me? You didn't forget?"

And the ugly cry was back...uglier than ever.

Poor Jay and Austin felt terrible. Jay said "But you told me not to mention mothers day! That's why we waited as long as we did. How could you think they would ever forget about you?"

With my peri-menopausal induced fog and forgetfulness, I forgot I had told him to not mention Mothers Day. Oops. My bad. And I felt horrible for thinking they would be insensitive like that...and yes, I cried some more (God bless those hormones).

And I'm sure that's not the last irrational volcanic eruption this house will ever see. I hope the hardwood floors can take it.

Happy Mothers Day!

This is a picture of me on my very first mothers Day (1990) . Chelsea (on the right) had been home from the NICU for about a week, but Ashley was still in there. Being an emotional mom, I cried knowing my first mothers day meant I couldn't have both my babies with me at the same time. The NICU nurses were great and let us dress Ashley, sneak Chelsea in and snap a few pictures in one of the nursing rooms. They even stood "lookout" to be sure no doctors caught us. It wasn't as great as having them both home, but it was so much better than I'd ever have expected and something I will always be grateful for!

I'd like to wish a very happy mothers day to my mom, Sandi, and to my mother-in-law, Janis. Both love their families and would do anything for them, and we love them very much!



To all the moms out there in bloggyland and beyond....I hope you have a wonderfully blessed day!

And to all the kids in the world:

Happy Birthday Dad

Today is my dad, Tony's birthday. The picture above was taken just this morning. Austin had an ortho appointment and we stopped by my parents house for a quick minute, before I took Austin back to school.

I have always said I had a "father" and a "dad" - they however, were not the same person. My father was the one who I was biologically related to. My dad, was the man my mother married when I was 13.

To say I gave my dad a hard time when he entered the picture is a HUGE understatement. Keep in mind, that my father was not a kind person and there were lots of issues, so a part of me was actually happy when my parents divorced. There was a peace and calmness that we hadn't had a lot of before.

When my mother started seeing Tony and they were getting serious, I remember thinking "What is wrong with her??" I remember telling one of my friends "We finally got one man out of the house and now she is thinking about bringing another one back in?" I guess I felt all men would be like my father. I even went so far as to write an "I hate you" letter to my dad.

Ouch!

We can joke about that note now, but at the time I was terrified to have a man moving back into our house. I did my best to fight his authority, and I'm sure there were many times I made him want to pull his hair out, but in time I came to realize that he actually cared about us kids.

Fast forward a few years and I was dating a boy who was not a good choice. When I tried to break up with him, he took me out behind the school and beat on me, and then broke the antenna and side mirrors off my car.

Dad called this boy and this boy actually said "What do you care? It's not like she is your real daughter anyway?" To this day, I don't know that I've ever actually seen my dad as mad as he was at that moment. He even went so far as to push this kid up against a wall the next time he saw him to let him know that his daughter would not be treated like that.

While I was mortified to know this was happening - in front of tons of people - it felt good to know he was sticking up for me.

He later gave me away when I got married, and cried (and talked baby talk) when he visited my daughters, his granddaughters, in the NICU. He is an inspiration and a mentor into how to walk the walk.

Happy birthday dad. Thanks for putting up with me, always being there for me, and most importantly, thanks for being my dad.

I love you.

Proof Is In The Movie

Thanks to Missy, I was able to put together a little movie that proves that I am the one who wears my emotions on my sleeve in my marriage. I am the giver in this relationship as you will see.

Sweet Surprises

When you least expect it....





Receiving flowers is nice.



Receiving candy is yummy.





Receiving something in your email when you're having one of "those" days is one of the bestest gifts of all.





This was in my email & my Facebook yesterday afternoon:

My day was instantly better after that.

One Year Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary of when Jesus called my Grandma Martha home at the wonderful age of 98 years young. While I am so happy for her that she is celebrating eternity in heaven, I have to say that the selfish part of me still misses her and her great sense of humor and her love for her family. She will forever be in my heart.

This is a picture of my sister Debi, my brother lance, me, and my sister Theresa with Grandma.

Times Have Changed

One of my favorite things when I was growing up was listening to my Grandpa sing. He had a soft tenor voice and was always singing or humming a song (hhhmm....wonder where I get it from?). He sang a lot of the songs from his time, and I remember thinking how wonderful and romantic those songs were.

The other day I found myself singing one of them....

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true.
I'm half crazy, over the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage.
I can't afford a carriage.
But you'll look sweet, upon the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.

Stop and read those words again....I'll hum the tune while I wait.

Done? Translated to a song from today and it would basically be:

Daisy, Daisy
You make me crazy with how much I love you.
I don't have barely any money,
I don't even have a car.
But, hop on my bike
and lets ride off into the sunset together.

Wouldn't that make you go weak in the knees to have your dream man singing those words to you? Shows what a simpler time that used to be. I can't imagine being a single girl and having my date show up with a 2-seater bicycle. Can you? LOL

Sisters And Friends

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

I've said this before, but I'll say it again - when Ashley & Chelsea were growing up, they fought all the time. Literally...

all the time.

They argued over everything. Literally...

e v e r y t h i n g.

To say it got on my last nerve is an understatement.

It got to the point where most days it made me crazy! I kept praying that someday they would actually get along. I vividly remember my pleading with God to please allow us just one full day with no arguing, but it rarely ever happened. It made me sad to think that here they were not only sisters, but identical twins. Twins who are supposed to have that special bond. Not only did they not acknowledge that they maybe had that bond, but they were quite vocal about how they didn't want a twin, let alone a bond with her. I prayed that somehow, someday they would actually grow to love each other.

Don't get me wrong, they have always been such sweet loving girls to everyone ...just not to each other. And they readily admitted it.

With them now at college, we sadly don't get to see them very often. We talk on the phone as often as their schedules allow, but we had no idea if they talked to each other or not. Given the fact that they never got along, I sadly figured they were glad to be rid of their twin and probably hardly ever talked to her.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

From what we have seen over just these past few days is nothing short of miraculous. Seriously. They have literally gotten so close, it's amazing!

They have all kinds of secrets between them and when one of them mentions some particular word or person, they erupt into giggles. Does it bother me that I have no clue what they are laughing about? Heck no! I love watching them. That might sound corny, but when you figure that most days I never thought we'd see this between them, I really do enjoy it.

Then it was their birthday last Thursday. The cards and facebook messages they exchanged were so sweet. Talking about how they missed each other, and how they wished they could have spent the whole day together.

It made my heart smile.

They exchanged the sweetest "sister" related gifts.

Chelsea sent a bunch of pictures of the two of them in and had them made into a personalized photo album for Ashley, complete with notes included that she had written.



And Ashley gave Chelsea a "sister" related gift and wrote her the sweetest note.

And both of them stated that not only were they sisters, but they were best friends. Did you read that? Not just friends.....they said they were best friends.

Oh my goodness, talk about making their mom cry!

When I went to bed I said a prayer of thanks that they had finally grown into being friends. And speaking as someone who has sisters of her own, it's a blessing they will always be grateful for.

Friday Fill-In #111

And...here we go!

1. It seems like the days keep going faster and faster.

2. Put the toilet seat back down when you're done, please?

3. If I thought you'd go for it Dear, I'd book us a trip to somewhere tropical!

4. Contentment is what I think of most when I think of you.

5. To me, Valentine's Day means another day to remind those you love how special they are.

6. My husband gives me strength.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to the movies with hubby and

son, tomorrow my plans include making doggie muffins for our dogs birthday and Sunday, I want to get the laundry caught up (not so much a want as it is a need)!