The truth behind deployment!

Our daughter Ashley posted this on her facebook page. She didn't write this, but when talking to her about it, she said it totally fit with her feelings about her quick marriage before her husbands deployment, and how she has felt since he left.

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The truth behind deployment! - from the wife/girl friend perspective

"You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every morning, and hopes every night for his safe return.

I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home.

I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me.

I'm the girl who sits quietly during class because all I can think about is that next moment when he will safely be in my arms again.


You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him.

I'm the girl who checks my cell phone every five seconds just to make sure I haven't missed his call.

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.

What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for.

I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living.

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. You don't know that every time he leaves part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me.

You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady.

You tell me, I'm too young to be married, I tell you, and I'm too in love to not be.



You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea.


What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.

You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played.

I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside.

I am one of the girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through.

You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do.

You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better.


You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time.

You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is.

I'm the girl you see standing alone in the corner of the airport watching quietly out the window with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground.

What you don't know, is that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know.

You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful.

What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing.

I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Marine, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country."

Out Of The Comfort Zone

My journey through and since getting my Fibromyalgia diagnosis has honestly been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It's made me look deep inside myself and go to places I didn't want to go...places I still don't like going. Places that are humbling, insightful, and sometimes, even terrifying.

I don't like change, never have. So when all the physical and emotional changes started taking place, I recoiled and my zest for life faded. I felt I was a burden and that was something I definitely didn't want to be. I also didn't want the stares and questions. That meant admitting something was wrong with me.

When it even hurts to blink, you have a lot of time to just sit. You can only read so many books, and watch so much tv, so you have a lot of time to just sit and think...and feel. That's that uncomfortable place that forces you to learn some hard lessons.

I've learned that people that I thought would be there for me, aren't, and that hurts, badly. However, some people have come forward that I never would have expected, and they have become such blessings to me.

I've lost friends, a lot of friends that I thought I could always count on. Either they didn't understand, or it made them too uncomfortable, or they just lost interest because there are many things I can't do anymore. That too has hurt so much, and I've shed many tears over the lonliness I've felt. I've come to realize however, that fair-weather friends are just not true friends. They are a negative that I just don't need in my life, and while somedays I still miss them, I don't miss their thinking. My true friends are still very much there for me, and I love them so much.

I've learned that my husband and my children love me. I mean really, completely and totally love me. I've watched my husband fight with doctors and insurance agents on my behalf. He laughs with me, cries with me, and prays for me. My son has matured before my eyes to become this compassionate caring young man who will come lay beside me in bed and just talk when he knows I can't get up. My daughters call to see if they can run any errands for me, or just to see how I'm doing. One even said "Mom, you probably already know this, but I want you to know that I say a prayer for you every day." How can you top that? What else could I ever want?

I've also learned that I miss the old me. The me that I now know will never come back. Accepting that is still my biggest struggle. No matter what, that me can't come back. This experience has changed me in a way that I can't ever be the person I used to be. I've learned too much.

I've learned that it's ok for me to feel this pain without feeling guilty about it. I know there are others who are suffering even more pain than I am, and I know this will not kill me. However, that does not minimize the very real intense pain that I do feel on a daily basis, and I don't have to feel guilty to admit I am hurting.

But believe it or not, I'm now thankful for my diagnosis. Even though I have been pulled out of my comfort zone, even though I have shed more tears than I thought possible, and even though there are many dark lonely days, there is also love and laughter, and a new found pride in small accomplishments.

I have also learned that even though there have been days when I have cried and screamed "I'm not strong enough for all of this", I am. I am so much stronger than I ever knew.

The new me is starting to emerge. I am not to the point of accepting her yet, but at least now I don't scream at her anymore to go away. I don't despise the image I see in the mirror, even if she does look as if she's aged 20 yrs. I am not ashamed to use my cane or ride my scooter when I have to...although using it at the fair for the first time was one of those horrible, tear-filled, terrifying times I mentioned.

I'm not done learning by any means. I know I have a lot more to learn, and to accept. Along the way I expect to learn more positive things and maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be able to look back and give thanks that I've been taken out of my comfort zone in this way. Maybe. :)

Me? A Mother-In-Law?

Today the house is quiet again. Jay is at work, Austin is at school, Chelsea is back at college, and Ashley is....on her honeymoon. Even as I type that last part, I still can't grasp it.

When she was here one day last week, she brought her favorite baby doll from her room to show Lance. "Baby Jessica" as she always called her, and she was still dressed in the old flannel nightgown Ashley always had her wear.

She propped Baby Jessica up on one the pedestal beside the plant in our dining area. She turned and said to Lance "Just think, some day maybe we'll be blessed with our own real Baby Jessica", and they both smiled.

Today, I sat at the table all alone, quiet with my thoughts. I just can't get my mind to grasp the thought that Ashley is now married. She is someones wife, someones daughter-in-law, someones sister-in-law. She's no longer just our daughter, and she'll never be just that again. That thought makes me sad.

But at the same time, I am so very happy for her. I can remember when Jay and I were on our honeymoon, and we were making all kinds of plans for our future. It was so exciting and full of possibilities. Knowing they are doing the same things makes me smile. I love knowing she is so happy.

I know I saw the wedding, casual and relaxed - just the way they wanted it. God answered our prayers and blessed us with sunshine, when there wasn't any before, and there hasn't been any since. He also held off the rain. The clouds started to move in as we packed up. They got closer as we all hugged and said our goodbyes, and as we all left town, the rain started to fall. Thank you God for holding it off just long enough.

I know I saw the reception, again, casual and relaxed. I saw the photographer snapping pictures, and I know I also took many pictures, and yet to grasp the idea that my little girl is married, seems impossible.

Maybe it takes time to come to terms with that. Maybe it'd be easier if they were coming home together to start their new life...not her coming back to finish college, and him going off to war...another thought that makes me sad. My prayers will continually be with them both.

The selfish part of me couldn't bring myself to change her name on my cell phone just yet. I left her maiden name, but I did add in her new married name in behind it. Baby steps.

I'll keep Baby Jessica on the pedestal for a while,and together she and I will come to know and accept that Ashley will never be just ours anymore. We'll also continue to be happy for her and pray for her as we've always done, but we'll also continue to include our new son in our prayers.

And then maybe someday, God willing, they will be blessed with their own real Baby Jessica, and then I'll have to get used to a another new idea: I will be a Grandma.

But I'm thinking that one will be easier. :)

All By Myself

Remember the 1975 hit "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen?

Well since Tuesday...and for the rest of this week, I am all by myself. Jay is working 16-20 hr days selling pigs and harvesting the corn. He is so tired that I swear he is sometimes already asleep as he is walking into the house.
I took this picture of him on Tuesday night as he came in to grab a bite to eat. He decided to come in and grab a bite to eat. He lasted maybe 5 minutes, and bless his heart, he was out cold in the chair. I left him there for about an hour before waking him back up. He went in, washed his face, gave me a hug and headed back out.

I literally only get to see him for minutes each day. But at least, I've always had the kids to keep me company.

Not this year. The girls of course are at college, and Austin left after school on Tuesday for a long bus ride to Indiana. He and 7 other FFA members are attending the FFA National Convention in Indianapolis. They'll get back late on Friday night.

Then Austin turns around and leaves early Saturday morning for All-State Music auditions, and he won't get home until around 10pm, at which point Austin and his dad will both probably come walking into the house half-asleep and collapse into their beds.

So from now, until Sunday morning, I'm alone - All By Myself....so I leave you with this:

New Perspective On The Military

My brother was in the military, we have friends who were and are in the military. I have always prayed for them and prayed for their safe return, but honestly...except for my brother, I was able to go about my day without much worrying.

To be extra honest, a part of me is happy to know that due to my son's asthma and hypoglycemia, he'll never be accepted into the military, so I'll never have to know personally how it feels to be a mother with a child enlisted.

Don't get my wrong, I am so proud of all the men and women who are protecting and defending me and my family, but I don't know if I could handle it as a mom. Maybe I could, but I'd rather not find out. Bad...I know.

However, I am almost as close as I'd want to be in regards to that. Ashley has a boyfriend who is a year older than she is. He is a marine, and he was been stationed in Japan until next February. After that, he will probably go to Afghanistan.

We have known this young man for several years...since our girls were freshmen in high school. He showed at the state fair, which is how we met him. He had a crush on one of them (or maybe both?) and would tease them and pick on them the way young boys do when they like a girl.

We knew this young man before his voice changed. We knew him when he was still short and scrawny. We've watched him grow up and mature. He came to us a year ago and apologized for any inappropriate or rude things he did when he was younger. His comment was "I was kind of a jerk as a young kid and I appreciate you always being nice to me when I probably didn't deserve it." Wow! We were impressed by that.

We didn't know until about a month ago that he and Ashley started dating last Summer while he was home on leave for a while. She feels so comfortable with him and said he's the first guy to respect her morals and to appreciate her for having them.

I "talk" to him sometimes on Facebook. She talks to him daily when he's able to have a cell phone or as often as possible.

Last Tuesday there was a bombing in the Philippines, and they believe it was the work of Islamic Terrorists. We knew that last Tuesday the boyfriend flew for a month to the Philippines. We heard that there was a soldier from Iowa who was killed in the bombing. I can't explain the knot in my stomach until I talked to Ashley to find that no, it was not him. His plane didn't arrive until several hours after the bombing.

Thank you God.

And to all you moms who have children who are serving....I have only had a taste of what you go through day after day. God bless you all.

Chelsea's New Apartment

On Monday we moved Chelsea to her new apartment, which was the exact same day that all other 3,852,087 students decided to move into the same building...at the exact same time....including Chelsea's new roommate "M".

Ok, I kid, there really weren't 3 million there, but when you have trailers, pickups, u-hauls, and cars filled to the brim covering every square inch of the street, parking lots and grass, it feels like the entire planet is crammed right there.

Our daughters are very social and through 4-H, FFA, and the past year of college, they have gotten to know kids from all over. I lost count of how many times Chelsea would let out a squeal or a loud "Oh my gosh!" and she'd take off running because she spotted someone she knew and just had to give them a hug immediately. I finally told her to just point the people out, I'll squeal and give them hugs and that way she can continue carrying boxes. :)

It was a beautiful day and no rain, which made the time go smoother. Plus, they have a ground floor apartment, so we were able to bring things in through the patio doors, which was nice.

Speaking of patio doors - did you have those in your first apartment? I know I sure didn't! Apartments are so much nicer now than they used to be. My entire first apartment was the size of Chelsea's living room. I could eat at my table, put my feet up on my couch, watch tv, and shave my legs in the shower all from the same spot in the 4' square room. Chelsea and M each have their own bedroom and their own bathroom as well. They each have a huge closet in their room, as well as having a utility closet (for vacuum, broom, etc), a big linen closet with floor to ceiling shelves, and a big coat closet right by their front door.

They even have a dishwasher and central air conditioning! Seriously, what college student NEEDS to have a dishwasher. Isn't part of the fun of learning is finding out what you can actually eat off paper plates, and what you can't? And isn't sweating to death in your room part of the growing up process? And don't get me started on the included cable and wireless internet.

We were concerned about the cost of the apartment and whether she could handle that much responsibility, but because it's on the edge of town and away from campus, it's up to 50% for rent and utilities than it is closer to campus, which is why she and her roommate chose this part of town. The city bus route that goes to every part of campus stops right at the end of her street, so they've been checking out the bus routes to find the best way to get to and from their classes. hhhmmm...guess she really has grown up and checked out everything.

When we were done moving the boxes in, Jay & Austin went back home, and I took Chelsea and M shopping for cleaning supplies and a few other odds and ends they were in need of (extension cords, those sticky things that hold up pictures without putting holes in the walls, etc). I watched moms with their sons or daughters who were obviously new Freshmen and they were going through these unchartered waters of the home furnishings department, and I remembered so vividly feeling the knots that were mostly likely in their stomachs right then.

I listened to moms tell their sons "Ok, we need to get you this item or that item, and the sons would be saying "for what?" and then mom proceeded to explain what a certain kitchen item was. The students had the "deer in the headlights" look, while the moms stayed focused on the list, so they wouldn't have to think about what was happening.

I couldn't help but smile as I watched them all zip back and forth through the maze of aisles trying to remember everything they knew they would probably forget. I can't believe that this was me a year ago. Feeling so overwhelmed at the task of getting two ready for college the first time. Wondering if my budget and my heart could take it all. Wondering if we'd all survive the transition, and wondering if the distance would pull us apart, which I now know did the opposite.

So if you were one of those moms I saw yesterday, hang in there. Trust me when I say I know how hard it is, and I have to admit, it's going to get harder. But if I can make it through, anyone can, and then next year you will find yourself standing in the rubbermaid section at Target with a grin as you watch the next batch of newbies come through.

How I Met Mr. Right ~ Part 2

For our first date, Jay called me and said his cousin was having a party for her birthday and he wanted to know if I'd go with him. My response was "Sure, why not." We got to the party and it was then that I found out his cousin was turing 9 (Happy birthday again Suzi) and his entire extended family was at this party. Talk about pressure! My first reaction was "LAME". But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it showed how important family was to him and that impressed me.

For the second date, Jay brought a big pizza to my place and we stayed in talking all night to get to know each other. Jay told me he was a student at Iowa State. When I asked his major, he said he was a business major with an emphasis in finance.

Ca-ching!! I had found my city guy, which is what I had wanted!!

What he forgot to mention was that his full major was AG business with an emphasis in FARM finance and that his plans were to go back home and farm when he was done. It's a good thing I didn't know that, because I would have never gone out with him again. Dating a farmer was NOT in my plans.

He took me home to meet his parents and that just about ended everything. This was in October. For this non-farming girl that meant nothing. But I now know that meant it was harvest season. I was going to meet his parents. I wanted to make a good impression, so I wore black dress pants, a nice shirt, boots and a white coat. We drove to his parents home and his mom was there and she sweetly offered me a pair of coveralls to put over my clothes. They aren't exactly flattering and I knew I would rather burn the clothes I was wearing than put a pair of those on, so I politely declined.

We leave the house and head to a farm field. Jay leads me over to a tractor and we ride out to the middle of a field where I meet his dad. They had a new implement so Jay left me in the tractor while he rode with his dad for a bit to learn about the new equipment. I sat there thinking "ok girl. Let's evaluate this situation. You are sitting in a tractor. A T-R-A-C-T-O-R." Not exactly part of our 5 year plan now is it?" The song "If They Could See Me Now" kept going through my head. I prayed and said "Dear God, I need a sign from you. Is this the guy you would have imagined for me? Remember, I'm trying to find my Mr. Right."

The very next day when I got off work I found a note under the windshield wiper of my car. It was from Jay. I won't go into all that it said, but the main part said "I'm sure I'm not what you may have thought of when you imagined your dream man. I don't have fancy things or drive fancy cars or live in a big fancy city, but I'm a man who loves you and would love the chance to prove to you that I am your Mr. Right."

That freaked me out! I had never told him about my prayer or my wish to find my Mr. Right!

We spent almost all of our free time together everyday. By the end of the second month of dating we knew we had something special....but it was about to be tested....He had yet to meet my parents ~ specifically, my dad. I love my dad, but when it comes to his daughters dating, he can weed them out pretty fast. :)


to be continued...

How I Met Mr. Right

Our 22nd anniversary is coming up soon, and I started thinking back on when I first started dating Jay. Let me take you all the way back to New Years Eve 1985 when I had just turned 22 years old.

A group of friends and I went to a nightclub. We reserved a table at the club the New Years Party. I had my big 80's hair going on and I wore a cute knitted dress that of course fell off one shoulder. My hair was up in a bright red banana clip and I had sprayed sparkles in my hair. My red lipstick matched perfectly to my red hoop earrings, bangle bracelets, and my red pumps.

I excused myself to the restroom at one point and I prayed right there in stall #3 "Please God. Please let me meet Mr. Right tonight. Please!!!"

Midnite came. My friends and I exchanged kisses and hugs. We shook the noise makers and blew into the horns. We raised a glass of the cheap nasty tasting champagne the club provided to each table. In my mind I again said my prayer "Please God. Let me meet Mr. Right tonight."

A few minutes later a guy named Mike asked me to dance. We talked while dancing and he seemed nice, but there was just no chemistry. Before he left Mike handed me his business card. He said he love it if I'd call him sometime. I said I'd think about it and he left. He was nice, but not "Mr. Right" I got frustrated and angry that it appeared God had not listened to my prayers at all.

When I got home I took off my coat and pulled my keys out of my pocket. Out came Mike's business card.

Mr. Mike Wright Investments

Mr. Wright

I laughed out loud. I felt that was Gods sense of humor showing me that he HAD heard my prayer, and in a way had answered it. This WAS Mr. Wright, but not my Mr. Right.

The year progressed like previous years. While waiting at the club one night for more friends to show up, a guy asked me to dance. He made me laugh and I had such a good time with him. After the dance was over he went back to his table with his friends. They were loud and obnoxious I felt that if those were his friends, he was probably just like them, so I mentally told myself to forget about him. Over the next few weeks, I kept my distance because of his loud friends, and I declinded his offers to take me out on a date.

The last Saturday night in August he came to the club and I agreed to go on a date with him. I then realized that after all this time I didn't even know his name.

He introduced himself and said: "My name is Jay."

...to be continued

Pray For The Prodigal Son

I talked on the phone yesterday to a good friend of mine and my heart is breaking for her. She is married and has 2 boys. Her oldest son is almost 21 and has dated the same girl for 5 years and they got engaged this past Valentines Day. They were set to get married in the summer of 2010 when both had graduated from college.

I have no idea what happened, but the young couple broke off their engagement and are no longer in a relationship. It's not that this is new to anyones life. This happens, and if it's going to happen, it's better it happens before the trip down the aisle, no matter how sad it is.

What is almost "bizarre" is how her son appears to be handling things. He's always on the go now, like a ping pong ball. Always wants (or needs) to be doing something. Whether it's biking with a friend, or wanting to go with the buddies on a weekend getaway or spending money on trivial things and he's always been pretty conservative when it comes to money.

Sure that part makes sense. He's hurting. It's easier to keep your mind occupied than to feel the pain. I get that. His mom and dad get that. What they don't get is his treatment of them. They are suddenly like the enemy. She said he lashes out at them for any little thing they say and twists their words and he says they are yelling at him or criticizing him. He says they love his brother much more than they've ever loved him and he doesn't "belong" in their family.

When I talked to her last night she was so upset because he had screamed at them so badly a couple of days earlier and was on what appeared to be a wild irrational tangent - like a 2 yr old having a temper tantrum. He lashed out at not only his parents, but also his brother to whom he's been very close. He left to go back to his apartment and they haven't heard from him since (although one of his roommates assures the parents he is physically fine). He had told his parents he didn't want to be a part of their family, he would never speak to them again, and would never come home again. Since that time he won't answer any of their phone calls.

The poor parents are obviously distraught. They don't know if it's depression over the break-up, if it's drugs or alcohol (however, they really don't believe that's the case due to nothing else has changed - he's still a 4.0 student, has 2 part time jobs, he's very nice looking & careful about his appearance, etc). They don't know what to do, and due to the fact that he's an adult, they can't force him to do anything like counseling.

She asked me to pray for her son. She asked me to pray for her and her husband and their son. This is a good family in crisis, and I ask that you please, please pray for them and their son as well. I pray that Jesus leads him home.

Mt. St. Helens In My Living Room

Being in my 40's, peri-menopausal, and (this week) experiencing raging PMS, emotions and tears are always going to be right there, ready to spill over. Add in a holiday like Mothers Day, and the fact that I was having to come to terms with the fact that my baby, my youngest child, the last baby I would ever have, was turning 16, and my emotions were just begging for an excuse to erupt!

Such was the case on Sunday.

Let me back up....last year at this time we were neck deep in craziness. In a 3 week period we had Austin's confirmation, Austin's birthday, Ashley & Chelsea's graduation from high school & Jay's birthday. I still can't believe I didn't totally lose my mind. With Austin's birthday right inbetween confirmation and graduation I begged him to let us celebrate his birthday AFTER those events were over. He's such a great kid that he said that would be fine.

However, as happens sometimes, we got busy with other things afterwards and he never did get a birthday party. Oh the mother guilt I felt! So this year I was determined we'd do something.

With his golf team schedule & school concerts, there was just no time this week to celebrate, so we went out to eat on Sunday instead. Yes, it was also Mothers Day, but I told Jay before we left for the restaurant "This is to be Austin's party day, not Mothers Day". I don't want anything to take away from his special time, so don't even mention Mothers Day.

We had a great supper. My parents were there, both girls were there from their colleges, and we had great food (we even brought a cake).

My parents went home. The girls went back to college. We went home, and then Jay & Austin went to play golf. I sat there and thought "Wait a minute....they never gave me anything for Mothers Day".

I don't mean that as I'm materialistic. One of my favorite gifts is a "poster" one of my girls made for me several years ago that stated I was the best mom ever, so it's not that I wanted some expensive gift. But just to know they did something to show their love for me would have been nice. But I got nothing, and I was hurt.

Remember the volcano I mentioned earlier? It erupted. All over the couch and living room floor. I cried and I cried and I cried, and it was ugly. I kept thinking over and over "I can't believe they didn't think enough of me to get me anything. Not even a bouquet of dandilions from the front yard!" and then I'd cry some more.

Jay and Austin came home from golf around 9pm, and I said nothing. I was still in shock and too hurt. Jay left the room and came back with a box he gave to Austin. Austin said "Thanks. I wondered where you put it." and he walked over to me "Here mom, this is for you from my sisters and me. Happy Mothers Day."

"What? You got me something? You DID think of me? You didn't forget?"

And the ugly cry was back...uglier than ever.

Poor Jay and Austin felt terrible. Jay said "But you told me not to mention mothers day! That's why we waited as long as we did. How could you think they would ever forget about you?"

With my peri-menopausal induced fog and forgetfulness, I forgot I had told him to not mention Mothers Day. Oops. My bad. And I felt horrible for thinking they would be insensitive like that...and yes, I cried some more (God bless those hormones).

And I'm sure that's not the last irrational volcanic eruption this house will ever see. I hope the hardwood floors can take it.

My Test Results

I met with the Nurse Practioner again yesterday to discuss all my test results. I had urine tests, saliva tests & 9 vials of blood tests to go over. I was there for 3 hours and walked out frustrated (by medical doctors that I had begged for help and was ignored) and overwhelmed. But, I now have the answers I have been searching for, whether I like them or not.

In a nutshell, here's what the test results show I have or is "wrong" with me (sit down and grab something to drink...it's a long list - ha):

Peri-menopausal
Hashimoto’s Disease {Hypothyroidism}
Vitamin B6 & B12 deficient (bordering critical stage)
Vitamin D deficient (VERY critical stage)
SAD (goes along with the Vit D deficiency)
Overly estrogen dominant
Way too low progesterone
Overly low cortisol in the mornings
Sex hormone is basically non-functioning (no comment -ha)
Insulin Resistant (which = very low metabolism)
Adrenal Fatigue
PCOS

Other than all that, I'm in great shape. LOL

I was given the "honor" of breaking 2 records in her office. #1 Having the most test results to come back in the moderate/severe category of any one person, and #2 Having the lowest Vitamin D reading they had ever seen before.

I'm on numerous all natural supplements and a thyroid medication, and I'm to follow the Insulin Resistant Eating plan. For the SAD I tried to get her to require we go south each winter, but she would only suggest a lamp. :P

I cried several times during the appt due to the frustration that I have spent the past few years trying to get doctors to help me who either said "eat less, exercise more" or my personal favorite "your thyroid is fine" (when I KNEW it wasn't).

I asked her if she thought that once we got all this regulated, would I have a chance to lose weight again. Here's her response:

"I'm going to be honest with you Dena. You have a going on. I am going to work hard to try to get you feeling better for starters. This is not normal, and what you are feeling is not normal and no matter what any doctor has told you in the past, you do not have to live like this or live with feeling like this. Can I get you to a point where you will lose weight? I believe so. Will we be able to get you into a normal weight range? I don't know. As much as you have going on, it's going to be how well your body responds to treatment. Most people do great, but there are some who don't respond well. We won't know until we get going with you. However, I am optimistic."

My fingers are crossed.

A Mothers Point Of View

The first time I saw Mel Gibsons "The Passion Of The Christ", Jay and I went to a theater and I cried so hard I was emotionally exhausted.

I knew the story. I knew what happened. I knew He was betrayed. I knew He was arrested. I knew He was beaten. I knew He was crucified, and I knew He rose again. I expected to see all of that and to feel sadness and joy for that.

What I didn't expect was to be so overwhelmed with empathy for Mary.

Every time they would show her, you see the pain in her eyes and I found myself stepping into her shoes (as best I could anyhow) and imagining what it had to have been like.

To see my son, my "baby" being hated would be bad enough, but to see him getting hit and spit on would feel like I myself were being punched in the stomach. To know this was "supposed" to happen wouldn't make it any easier to endure. That's your child. You have protected them from skinned knees and bruised elbows. While this is much worse, there is nothing you can do, though the desire is stronger than ever.

To stand there and endure watching the physical trauma and the emotional trauma....I don't know if I could have done it. Would I have rushed in and tried to protect him? Wouldn't that be the instinct of a mother? To drape your body over his? As he collapses in exhaustion, would I yell out for all to hear "ENOUGH!"

Did she ever yell in anger and frustration?

To the men doing this?

To God?

Yes, she knew this was to come to pass. But that couldn't have made it any easier or less heartbreaking.

I just don't know what I might have done.

If I would have been strong enough.

And to watch your son die and horrible death.

Did she ever wish she had not been the chosen one?

Did she wish HE had not been the chosen one?

Did she believe that she would see her son again?

Did she have doubts?

How deep must her anguish have been.

And yet, how happy her joy on Easter morning.

Sisters And Friends

Sisters is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship. ~Margaret Mead

I've said this before, but I'll say it again - when Ashley & Chelsea were growing up, they fought all the time. Literally...

all the time.

They argued over everything. Literally...

e v e r y t h i n g.

To say it got on my last nerve is an understatement.

It got to the point where most days it made me crazy! I kept praying that someday they would actually get along. I vividly remember my pleading with God to please allow us just one full day with no arguing, but it rarely ever happened. It made me sad to think that here they were not only sisters, but identical twins. Twins who are supposed to have that special bond. Not only did they not acknowledge that they maybe had that bond, but they were quite vocal about how they didn't want a twin, let alone a bond with her. I prayed that somehow, someday they would actually grow to love each other.

Don't get me wrong, they have always been such sweet loving girls to everyone ...just not to each other. And they readily admitted it.

With them now at college, we sadly don't get to see them very often. We talk on the phone as often as their schedules allow, but we had no idea if they talked to each other or not. Given the fact that they never got along, I sadly figured they were glad to be rid of their twin and probably hardly ever talked to her.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

From what we have seen over just these past few days is nothing short of miraculous. Seriously. They have literally gotten so close, it's amazing!

They have all kinds of secrets between them and when one of them mentions some particular word or person, they erupt into giggles. Does it bother me that I have no clue what they are laughing about? Heck no! I love watching them. That might sound corny, but when you figure that most days I never thought we'd see this between them, I really do enjoy it.

Then it was their birthday last Thursday. The cards and facebook messages they exchanged were so sweet. Talking about how they missed each other, and how they wished they could have spent the whole day together.

It made my heart smile.

They exchanged the sweetest "sister" related gifts.

Chelsea sent a bunch of pictures of the two of them in and had them made into a personalized photo album for Ashley, complete with notes included that she had written.



And Ashley gave Chelsea a "sister" related gift and wrote her the sweetest note.

And both of them stated that not only were they sisters, but they were best friends. Did you read that? Not just friends.....they said they were best friends.

Oh my goodness, talk about making their mom cry!

When I went to bed I said a prayer of thanks that they had finally grown into being friends. And speaking as someone who has sisters of her own, it's a blessing they will always be grateful for.

No More Negatives

Is it just me or does it seem that the world is getting more and more negative? Well, I for one have found a solution that I will begin implementing immediately.

On To State!

Well I had another blog post ready to go for today, but after last night, I just HAD to come home and type up another one.

Jay is an assistant coach for a girls basketball team at nearby school. They played a basketball game last night and won, which qualifies them to be in the state tournaments!!!

ON TO STATE! ON TO STATE! ON TO STATE!

You have to try to understand just how big of a deal this is around here. Here in Iowa, we don't have a pro baseball team, or a pro football team, or a pro basketball team. Most people don't get to many college games either. So we are very into our high school sports, and to make it to state in any sport is a huge deal. I mean HUGE!

They sometimes close schools and businesses so people can attend and cheer on the participants! THATS how big of a deal it is.

Jay played basketball on a team that made it to the state tournaments when he was in high school (back in 1984). Then he coached a team that made it to state when our girls were barely a year old (1991). The head coach for this team that just made it is named Mike. Mike and Jay are very good friends. Mike was a senior on that 1991 team, which Jay helped coach. Talk about coming full circle.

Before Jay started coaching at this rival school, he helped coach at our school. There were serious issues that Jay had regarding the head coaches ethics, values and integrity, and while everyone around complained about it, nothing was ever done. Rather than fighting it, Jay just turned in his keys and walked away. Feeling forced to do that hurt him more than anything else. He loves working with the kids and helping them, and he hated having to leave them.

When a couple of different coaching positions came open at our school, he applied but was always turned down. We felt a message was being sent, but we also knew that when one door closes, somewhere God opens a window. Jay knew he just had to wait for it. When Mike started coaching at this other school, he begged Jay to come coach with him. This was his window.

And now they are going to the state tournaments, while the other coaches are having to just sit back and watch since they didn't make it. He's been quietly validated, and I couldn't be happier for him! He's an amazing coach who has a way with those kids and they know that he truly cares about them.

During the starting line ups.

Before the start of the 2nd half.

You could read the nervousness in the coaches faces.

This sums up the tension better than I could. We had a player at the free-throw line. If she made her shots, it would clinch the game for us, because the other team wouldn't have enough time left to catch up. You can almost hear this girl pleading for the ball to go through the net.

The final buzzer sounded....which was when

I was finally able to breathe again.

Here you can see the TV cameras on some of the students and the players after the game. They were all cheering "On To State! On To State!"

In this picture, Jay is being congratulated by different people, and if you were able to see closer, you could see that he has tears in his eyes. He is a quiet, humble man who will give credit to everyone else before himself. I know those tears are tears of pride in the girls on the team and the other coaches.

Both Ashley & Chelsea came back from their colleges to help cheer on their dad, and Austin went with me to the game. Jays cousin has kids who attend the rival school, so during half-time we did a quick cousin shot. If you're wondering about the bunny ears, I can't help you. We all wondered too...including his mom. LOL

My Valentine

I have to say that in my opinion Jay deserves a medal for putting up with me this many years. Seriously. I'm the first to admit that I'm not always easy to live with, but he does it and never complains.

So my dearest Jay....How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

When I screw up the cooking (which is very often) you do your best to try to swallow it without gagging.

You know I love to laugh, and to this day you can still make me laugh harder than anyone else can. Sometimes I even piddle a little, spit out my beverage, or snort. Sometimes I do all 3.

You have learned how to squelch the look of terror when you see me first thing in the morning. I know it's not a pretty sight, but time has helped you get used to it.

You know when I am stressed, it's best just to smile, hand me a diet coke and bravely ask what's wrong. You never complain when I go on and on and ooooooon about whatever it is.

You are my best friend, and I can count on you to bail me out if I ever do something totally stupid. We still need to work on you keeping quiet instead of quickly sending texts to let everyone know what I just did.

You take out the trash. You know that's a big deal to me, because trash is icky.

You willingly turn ESPN way down when I have a migraine.

You protect me from critters and bugs great and small. This includes spiders, crickets, snakes, skunks and big pigs that have gotten loose.

You worked hard to allow me to stay home with our children as they were growing up. And more importantly, you had faith that I wouldn't screw them up too badly.

Whenever you ask if I want to learn to drive a tractor, you allow me to repeat over and over that there is no fine print in our marriage vows that states I must love, honor, and operate implements. And you let me get away with that.

You are a great dad. You pick on me constantly, but remind your son to save his teasing for his own wife someday, because it's not cool to dis' your mama.

You allow me to inflict great physical pain, such as nearly breaking your hand when I was in labor, or squeezing your arm so tight I'm sure you lost feeling in it when we were on our last airplane flight, or giving you a fat lip when I accidentally kicked you (but in my defense you were tickling my feet).

You leave me silly little notes that are more of a pick-me-up than you probably realize.

Family is important to you. You even go out of your way to be nice to that one crazy relative we each have. (hehehe...let the fun begin as they all try to figure out who that is).

You are a man of God and while that is a relationship that you keep private in your heart, I know it's there, and I know how important that relationship is to you.

And most importantly, you let me be me. You know all my quirks, fears, and other positive and negative qualities and you have never asked me to change. You put up with my longer than anyone else ever has! Why? I'm not sure, but I' so glad you have.

For all this and more, I love you. Please be my valentine.

Valentine by Martina McBride

My Most Memorable Valentines Day

With Valentines Day coming, I started thinking back to what would be my most memorable Valentines day that I've had. One in particular didn't involve Jay per-say, so I ignored it and thought some more. But, I kept coming back to that one particular Valentines Day, so I sat and thought long and hard about it. It did have to do with great love, only this was not a love between and man and woman, but between a mother and her children.

This is the story of my most memorable Valentines Day:

We had tried for quite a while to have children. I don't ovulate, and that creates a problem for someone wanting to have children, so we sought out the help of a fertility specialist. Finally after many shots given by doctors, nurses, physician assistants and even by Jay (that's a whole other post in itself), we were blessed with getting pregnant.

My first ultrasound showed I had twins. The next ultrasound I had done showed triplets. One night I miscarried one of the babies and from that point on I was put on bedrest.

Jay was incredible during that time. Our old farmhouse only had one bathroom and it was on the main floor, but our bedroom was upstairs. So he put a mattress on the living room floor right next to the couch for me to sleep on, and he slept on the couch. He could have been upstairs with the whole bed to himself, but instead he willingly slept on that old uncomfortable couch next to me. He bought an office chair with wheels so I could wheel myself to and from the bathroom and also out to the kitchen to get something to eat or drink.

It wasn't long and we learned I had toxemia. I was retaining fluid and it was very noticeable, and I looked swollen.

In January I started weekly doctor visits. By this time I looked larger than someone who is ready to deliver due to the fluid retention, and I was barely 5 months. My blood pressure was going up, up, up and the doctor didn't like what he saw. He said that basically my body is not handling being pregnant with more than one baby.

Valentines day was coming and I begged Jay to take me out to eat somewhere just for that one night to celebrate our last Valentines day alone as a couple. I love good jumbo shrimp and there is a place not far that has the best! He reluctantly agreed and I felt giddy with excitement at the thought we were being so sneaky.

I had a morning doctor appointment on Valentines day and our plan was to go out to eat for lunch (instead of supper) before heading back home. I was still on bedrest, but we had rented a wheelchair to get me to and from appointments, so we just planned to use that, which I felt would be no different than if I were rolling around in the house on my office chair with wheels. Here is the actual insert from a journal I kept while going through our fertility treatments and pregnancy:

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February 14, 1990: Happy Valentines day! Today Jay and I are going to go out for a Valentines day lunch. I know I'm supposed to stay on bedrest, but oh man it has been so long since I was out anywhere except to a doctors appointment.

At my doctors appointment this morning I had an another ultrasound done. Both babies are doing good - praise God! I also had blood drawn for a glucose test and found that I have gestational diabetes. Dr. Bob said that's not all that abnormal in multiple births and it will go away after the babies are born. However due to that and all the swelling I have going on, I'm to monitor my salt intake closely. Guess that means no salt on my eggs huh?

My blood pressure wasn't good today. Sitting down, the reading was 180/96 and laying down it was 182/108. Usually when you check someones blood pressure when laying down it's lower. I don't know if it's because of the pressure I feel with the two babies when I lay down or if that has nothing to do with it, but man is it uncomfortable to lay on my back. One of them is always in my ribs, and the other is always on my bladder, so I can't breathe and I pee all the time.

Dr. Bob didn't like the readings at all and told me he was sending me on a trip - a trip to the hospital to be admitted so they could monitor me closer. I started to cry and said "But Dr. Bob, we were going to sneak me out for some shrimp. Please can I wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital?" He patted my shoulder and said he'd allow Jay to bring me some shrimp. He doesn't get it that the shrimp isn't the important part.

I'm not sure how long I'll be here in the hospital. I'm still not even to that magical number of 30 weeks yet. If something happens this early, I'll definitely have to go to Des Moines to deliver because the have a NICU there and this hospital doesn't. Jay got me all settled in at the hospital and let me have a good cry. He went home to get some things I needed, and when he came back he gave me my Valentines day card and a white teddy bear wearing a pink t-shirt that says "You're Mine". (*which I still have*). He stayed for a while and then he left.

I feel so alone and scared. I know that the high blood pressure isn't a good thing. I know that my protein levels are rising, which also isn't good. I can't imagine going through all this and then not being around to enjoy our babies. Please God take care of me. I'm also scared for my babies. They are so tiny yet and they aren't strong enough to survive. Please allow them to stay strong and healthy inside me for as long as possible God.

I have been crying for a while now and I can't stop. I will probably cry myself to sleep.

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So that is my most memorable Valentines day. Not romantic, but definitely unforgettable....and less than 1 month from that date I had beautiful identical twin daughters.

Letter To Me as a MOP

Missy at It's Almost Naptime asked moms of older children to share some wisdom they have gained through the years. I wasn't named specifically, but since my kids are older, I do qualify. She asked that we write a letter to ourselves answering these specific questions:

What would you say to yourself, when you had pre-schoolers?
What do you wish you knew then, that you know now?

I took some time to think about those questions and jotted down some notes. Here's what I came up with...

Dear Dena,

Wow, crazy days huh? You wanted to be a wife and mother, but never dreamed you'd have 3 kids in 3 years did you? And you never thought how being a farmers wife would would mean that basically you are a single parent for a few months out of each year. Surprise!

I know there are many sleepless nights, and I know there is chaos, but it WILL get easier. There will come a day when you no longer have to change diapers or wipe noses. There will come a day when food will end up only in their mouths instead of their hair, their siblings ear, or any other countless places.

Your daughters won't actually drive you insane, even though you're convinced that most days that's their goal. You are going to see a self-confidence grow in them that will fill you with pride. They are going to be beautiful, but don't worry, they aren't vain and thankfully boys will not be a big priority in their lives.

The constant reminders to say their bedtime prayers will be worth it, more than you know right now. When they move out, you'll get a little tug on your heart when you find they both have packed their bibles in with their photos and other special items they want to take along.

Austin will get potty trained. Don't worry. He really won't have to wear diapers to Kindergarten. He's going to have some major health issues that you'll have to deal with, but he's strong and he'll be fine, so try not to worry too much. He's going to grow into an amazing young man.

To survive all of this I want you to do two things... say a prayer and take a deep breath.

Every morning when you wake up...

Whenever things are getting overwhelming...

When you feel like you want to run away...

When the tears come and you can't get them to stop...

When you are begging for conversation that doesn't include action heroes and purple dinosaurs...

When you doubt your abilities as a "good" mother...

...Say a prayer and take a deep breath.

Treasure this time. Absorb as much into your memory as you can, because these days will end. Believe it or not, you're going to miss the chaos. You're going to miss the noise. You're going to miss the fingerprints on the windows. You're going to miss the look on their face when they go all day without going potty in their pants and they declare themselves a big boy/girl. You're going to miss reading "I think I can and I Love You Forever" 25 times a day, and you're going to miss the silliness that goes along with sweet, simple childhood .

Be ready though to throw on your tough skin, rough days are coming. Puberty will hit and you will no longer be fun to hang out with. And with twin girls, you're going to get a double whammy! Don't take it personally.

If you keep the lines of communication open, and show them your unconditional love, all will be ok. It won't be easy. As Dr. Dobson says "Parenting isn't for wimps". It's also like they say about the Army - it's the toughest job you'll ever love. Your children will say things that will hurt you. They may not mean to, but they will. Love them anyway. The "normal" them will return. Unfortunately, it will be when they are almost grown. But you will find a maturity in them that wasn't there before and you're heart will burst with pride.

To get there, remember to do those two things...say a prayer and take a deep breath.

And when all is said and done, they will go off to college. Your daily job is done, and you will experience a pain and heartache as you have never known before. You will cry and you will look back on all the sadness and joy over the past 18 years and you will keep those memories tucked in a special place in your heart. You feel it will never get any easier, but it will. Slowly, pain-stakingly it will.

And to survive all of this you must do two things...

Say a prayer.

Take a deep breath.

And know that He has heard all of your prayers.

Love, Dena

Laughter Cures All

After my post yesterday morning about how angry I was, I ended up having the best day from then on.


After my shower, I was determined to get in a better mood, so I cranked up my i-pod and the dogs and I did a mean re-creation of Mamma Mia's "Dancing Queen".


Then I got a phone call from my Sister-In-Law "Hey girl, what's going on? Is it me that you're mad at?"


Then my mother called "As long as it's not me you're mad at then that's OK".


An Aunt sent a text asking if I needed her help to inflict any bodily punishment, and she said to let her know if I changed my mind by saying "I got your back".


A few minutes later a friend called asking if she could help round up a posse to go on the hunt for whoever had upset me.


One friend said she had never seen me that angry before and wanted to know if there was a recording of it.


Then my mother-in-law called and wanted to know if she was one that I was mad at.


Another friend also stated she had never seen me that angry and would I be willing to reenact it. Oh, and was she one of the people I was angry with?


Then another Aunt sent a text message saying she couldn't stand it and wanted to know who I was angry with...and was it her?


By this time I was laughing so hard! Some of these people I hadn't seen or talked to in days, or weeks. Why in the world would I be mad at them? And why would they even think I was mad at them?


hhhmmm....a little guilty conscience syndrome going on perhaps? Time for true confessions?

I went into my office to check emails, and there taped above my computer screen was this picture of Trace Adkins (who DH knows I love). He is always teasing me saying that he thinks I love HIM, not just his music so he wrote next to the picture "Thought this might help you smile":

Taped to my bathroom vanity mirror, I found this:

On the lamp that sits on the nightstand on my side of the bed, I found this:

And on the dresser mirror, on the side nearest my stuff, I found this taped up:

I am married to such a goofball, but he knew it'd make me laugh, and he was right!

Within the next hour I had more phone calls and text messages from different friends and family members asking if they were the ones I was mad at, and it cracked me up!

Then I got the ridiculous giggles because I related it to maybe how Jesus felt when the disciples were with him and he was talking about one of them betraying him and they were all asking

"Is it I?"

"Am I the one?"

"Tell me Lord, is it I?"

I wonder if Jesus felt like I did and wanted to just say put his hands up and say "Guys, chill." Or in the KJV maybe it'd be more like "Men, be-est thou chilled."

Yea, probably not.

However, the image of Jesus standing there telling the guys to "chill" made me giggle even more, which helped my mood. By later in the afternoon I wasn't angry anymore and now I have decided that whenever I get really angry, I will just blog about it. Then people will all be flitting around asking:

"Is it I?"

"Am I the one?"

"Tell me Dena, Is it I?"

I'll put up my hands and say "Guys, chill."

And I know I'll be laughing again in no time.

Steam Is Coming Out Of My Ears

Normally on Fridays I do the Friday Fill-Ins and I still might later on, but we'll see how things go.

I usually write my posts in the evenings and then set them to automatically post the next morning, which means that normally this would be Thursday evening as I'm writing this. However, it's Friday morning around 2:00am, and I haven't slept yet because I am so angry I could spit nails! I have yelled (alone in a room), I have prayed, I have cried, I have paced.

I'm not going to go into what I'm angry about. Just suffice it to say that these certain someones (yes, more than one person) know better than saying or doing what they did, and they know I have a totally justifiable reason to be angry, and yet, they are upset with me for being angry. Which has me shaking my head.

....ooooooo....I honestly don't remember the last time I was this mad. Seriously.

I am like "I'd like to throw something" kind of mad.


So, my question to all of you is this:

When you are so mad you can't even think straight....When you are beyond complete frustration...When you just want to scream at the top of your lungs.....

What do you do to get it to pass? Other than bopping someone upside the head...which I totally considered.

**********UPDATE****************

Around 2:45am I ended up going into the hot tub where some warm bubbles, soft music on my ipod, and prayer helped enough that I was able to finally relax enough to get some sleep. Only about 3 hours worth, but it's enough for now. Sorry for whining and complaining. Just keepin' it real.

Have a great Friday.